...

judging from my father's illness condition for the past few months, we all have oredi prepare for the worst. he was totally out of shape and all he could do was only lying on the bed and whispering words that hardly understood. we all wish he would get better, or, tho' we never said or discuss it among the family, we wish, if he could not get better, he would pass on peacefully, with no more suffering and pain.

so u can imagine how overjoyed we r, especially my mother who takes care of him 24/7 when we saw him stood up and walked to the living room. we all think it's a miracle.

however the improvement leads to another problem, my father now jus become restless and with his parkinson and alzheimer's disease symtoms, he has hallucination all the time. u can tell he is living in fear by the way he looks at u, the way he looks around the house and every now and then, he'll try to kill the snake (his biggest fear, which are actually a bunch of wires). my mother is more stressful now cos she needs to follow everywhere he goes. everytime i went back to see my father, jus tht few hours serving him oredi make me feel very hectic. and sometimes i feel like there is a bad-me and a good-me standing on both of my shoulders, telling me: "maybe he's better off jus lying on bed..." "be patient, he is jus not himself anymore..." "things r easier when he cant walk..." "cant blame him for pissing in the living room..." it's like a never ending dilemma tearing me apart. i seriously cant imagine wat my mom's been goin thru this few years since he got the disease.

i believe this is the test tht specially created for us. u may find am fucking bad to even think of those negative things for my father, but unless u hav a family member with such neuro disorder disease otherwise u'll never understand how we feel. it's a mentally and physically challenge, and knowing there's no way we wil giv up on him, his every little change changes our life...

the good-me has been telling me tht this is the best opportunity to repay my gratitute to my father for raising me. now am at his position 31 yrs ago, doin things tht he did for me: changing diapers, bathing, feeding, and encourage me to take the first step to walk... and compare to my siblings who stay with my parents, my contribution is nothing. only thinking of these wil put my thru the test and shut the bad-me down.