lost of the ring

the only accessory on my hand, on my left hand always, is silver rings.

my first silver ring was given by my ma when i was 19, it was an old n unfashionable piece. i bought my own first silver ring when i was 21, thought it was trendy then but turns out to be another unfashionable one now. i usually wear these two on my left ring finger. so me, an unfashionable one too.

the third ring has a special story that i don wish to mention...

my fourth ring was 'taken' from my ma's little junk box last year, it was a small silver ring can only fit to my little finger. it was covered in dust n the color was dull, lying unnoticeable underneath a bunch of old coins. i brushed it with tooth paste, it turned out to be a pretty special piece of something.

the fifth and sixth rings r bought in bali this year.

among all in the bunch, i like the third and fourth best. unfortunately, one mysteriously lost in the house after the break-up, one lost in a shopping mall on the first day i wore it. my heart stil wrench everytime i think of this. and i feel sorry to my ma, she has kept tht little ring more than 50yrs and i lost it in one day. as for the third one, i guess it's just meant to be happened tht way.

i've got nailed.

last night i watched "you've got mail" starred by meg ryan and tom hanks. i stil vote it as the most romantic movie i have seen in these years.

the movie is set on the background of my favourite city, new york. i wil never find another city which is more chariming than she is. the streets, the yellow cabs, the sidewalk cafes and the contrast between the glamour and the grunge, tht is a place i must visit at least once in my lifetime.


the two characters in the movie respectively living in with their partners, yet the person come closer to their hearts, is a total stranger from the net. 2 lonely hearts in a big city, they seem to know each other so well but they have never met before. so close, yet so far. tragically romantic.

in the movie, kathleen (meg ryan) writes about her daily life which seems irrelevant to joe (tom hanks), becos she found him as someone she can communicate to. in real life, it is hard to find someone actually care you've read "pride and prejudice" and which chapter you r in. i can understand her excitement of waiting to receive mails from the other. sometimes you just need someone to talk to, and you'll feel it's easier to talk to someone you don really know. it's just like trashing all your thoughts to this person and not worrying he'll judge you with pre-perceptions. you need a channel out, even it could be a selfish act. tragically mentally lonely.

and wat else make the movie being so romantic to me, it's new york in autumn. the orangy brownish hue throughout the movie, the falling leaves on the streets, the little bookstore, and starbucks coffee. i become the victim of starbucks coffee after watching the movie in year 1998.

but tht's not jus it. it's the emails and chats between kathleen and joe.

being romantic is not about sending roses and saying i love you everyday. it is about heart to heart communication. when someone makes you a hot tea when you r omos crushed; cracks a joke to you when you r omos in tears; gives you a shoulder rub when you r down; or omos didnt do anything but always being there when you need him to... when you hav found this "someone", seize the treasure and dont ever let it go. or if you were like me, who had it once, be thankful at least you've met this special someone in your life before.

true fitness? gimme my roasted pork first.

i went to check out a gym recently open at taipan on last saturday. claiming itself as the largest gym in south east asia, it is, indeed, spacious and the facilities r impressing. underneath my emotionless face, i was actually excited when the brand escort showing me around and explaining which machine wil help me to tune my fats. then when he went on n on about how i should achieve my goal in 3mths, how i should eat and how i should cut down on intakes of all the fattening foods i love. i started to yawn.... zzz.

i told him the only reason i join the gym, again, after stopping for omos 2 yrs, is to exhaust myself so that i can sleep at night. cut all being healthy and living a better life kind of craps, if i cant even sleep like a normal person at nights. so, i wil do all the programs the trainer set for me but stop eating chinese roasted pork?? no way....

life's a breeze when...

life is a breeze when u don need to work and hav countless cash to spend in a shopping mall.

to the unfortunate ppl like us, who suffers insults from the biggest-jerk-off-fucker in the office, drama queens and endless politics in each departments everyday, lunch hour is the only time we break away from those soap opera scenes and breath in the clean air. if we're lucky, we wud beat the traffic jam n finish lunch earlier, then we wud take our stroll in the mall for some retail therapy. if we're really lucky, we wud take the risk reaching office much later n indulge ourselves in something very nice, like haagen dazs.

ya, life is a breeze, even for a brief moment like this.

and the award goes to...

i always admire those ppl who came out with small invention tht brings big impact in our life, well, in my life at least.

u know when i say invention it doesnt really mean anything great, my brain usually focuses on something redundant or very skewed towards to personal pleasures. anything makes me happy wil gain high appraisal from me, yes, even the chinese roasted pork is considered as a great invention to me. the judgement of a good piece of chinese roasted pork depends not only on its marinates, it's the crispy skin with bubbles burst tht matters the most. i can hav this little bastard alone for a meal. whoever 'invented' the recipe, u r sure a nobel laureate, come claim the award from me. hugs n kisses await.

another thing makes my life easier is sleeping pill. i discover how much it benefits me a year ago. i know it's not advisable to depend on this but pls let me hang on to this to carry on my life at this moment. u pop a pill n all the blues shall be kept at bay. i havent been sleeping well in omos 4 yrs, so taking 1 per night for a soundless sleep is definately not too much to ask for. it's very difficult to get it from the doc, u hav to look sincere tht u r not trying to kill yourself, or u hav to look really bad so they think u REALLY need to sleep. i jus got 10, am splitting these little precious into half so i'll hav 20 goodnights. ok sleeping pills may not be a great invention but still, i'll giv whoever came out v it an award. come come, hugs n kisses. muah.

You say it best, when you say nothing at all.

It's amazing
How you can speak
Right to my heart
Without saying a word,
You can light up the dark
Try as I may
I could never explain
What I hear when
You don't say a thing

The smile on your face
Lets me know
That you need me
There's a truth
In your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says
You'll catch me
Whenever I fall
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all

All day long
I can hear people
Talking out loud
But when you hold me near
You drown out the crowd
(The crowd)
Try as they may
They can never define
What's been said
Between your
Heart and mine

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know
That you need me

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know
That you need me

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

when you say nothing at all- Ronan Keating

awakening

it took me some time to call him 'ex' after the break-up. i refused to use the word 'ex' at the early stage when the wound was stil fresh, becos i thought if i use the term there wil never be a turning back, if i use the term on him, he wil, be an 'ex' forever, n watever happened between us wil be a past. until recently, i started to use the term. i finally accept the fact tht we r separated, n i've got over him. at least i thought i was.

not til this morning i received an email from him. it was jus 2 lines in it, my tears falling down the face. jus when i thought i hav moved on to something new, my heart stil linger in the past, i guess it never leaves the past, it's just waiting for this email to tell myself, the felling hasnt died. it's jus been buried for awhile, n now it's awake.

more than words

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words
Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words

Extreme - More Than Words

neighbours

one of the advantages of staying at a corner lot, i only hav one neighbour attached to my house. i've been staying there for 3 yrs, but i stil donno my next door's name. our conversation is less than 5 lines. i seldom see him. he is staying alone, a man at his mid 30's. i know he like football, everytime he gets home he'll tune into the football channel. if it's not football season, he likes tvb dramas, tvb or taiwan entertainment shows. jus yesterday i heard him burst out laughing when watching one of those shows. ok, i know it sounds like am a pervert who spies on my neighbours but am NOT, i was jus happened to be bathing my dogs outside. when i heard him laughed at tht moment, i had this thought in my mind: "this neighbour of mine is not a bad person." i donno y i hav tht conclusion, but i think tht's something has to do with tht loud laughing.

last friday i got home i heard laughters, chattings and smell of barbecue coming from the house behind mine, it's been empty for some time. ah, new neighbours. i was at the kitchen, i cant help but overheard part of their conversation, quite a decent bunch of chinese chaps. later that night one of the guy played guitar, n sang some nice songs too. i wonder if he's d same guy who played guitar, if he is, i must see how he looks like, cos he sings quite well. especially when he sang "more than words" from extreme, i jus stood at the kitchen till he finished. and jus when i was about to turn off the light n go upstairs, he sang "when you say nothing at all" from ronan keating, i stood there for another 3-4 minutes... tht night i realised tht the best music, is jus a good voice with plain guitar playing with it. this short experience tells me they shud be good neighbours too.

i don expect to hav warm fuzzy neighbours who volunteer to water my plants, in fact too much kindness suffocates me. i only need some decent ppl, even they don talk to me but as long as they r self-disciplined n clean ppl to be my neighbours. but, having a good neighbour, is like having a good lover. u cant find them, but only meet them in a fortunate encounter.

unfortunate events

i had a black sweater tht i always wrapped it around my neck when it's cold. i had it for about 7 yrs, then suddenly one day i realised i lost it. the worst part is i didnt even know where did i lose it. i'd been searching high n low n called every friend who possibly remember where n when was the last time they saw it on me... i cud not find it. i'm very sad. now i've been trying to find the same sweater but i cant find it anymore, not even a similar one.

n jus last night, i lost my anklet in a pub. it's not an old companion but it hurts too. damn it.

scary...

this morning i saw a female colleague vomitted in the bathroom. she's pregnant, i saw her vomitting few days in a row oredi. scary mary goosy harry... when i said am not gonna hav baby in my 20's, most of my elder friends said i wil change my mind when i get older, well omos 10 yrs has passed. i stil think pregnancy freaks me out.

beautiful moment

i think i look beautiful only when am wearing a facial mask, cos tht's d time my face is covered by mud n u wont be able to see the ugliness on it. haha

even being so beautiful at tht moment, i dare not post the pic too big, i don wanna cause any riots in town.

i was on leave...

i slept til 11am,
the weather was cloudy,
the cats r comfortly lying besides me,
we were all relunctant to leave the bed.

holy smoke!

omos everyone met me for the first time thinks am a hardcore smoker.

i learnt how to smoke when i was 15. i stole a stick from my father, hid in the bathroom n took the first smoke in my life. i was almost choked to death, the loud coughing drew my father's attention. he knocked the door n i was panic like hell. i let the window wide opened n swang the shower in the air, hoping to clear the smell. i guess my father didnt find out after all. it wasnt a success, i didnt know how to smoke then.

when a friend approached me for my second smoking lesson, in a bar when i was 24, i said ok. am always curious bout how does it feel when we smoke. i didnt inhale it to my lung, i jus blew the smoke out from the mouth, without the choke i thought i knew how to smoke oredi. "it's not tht difficult!" i told myself. then i saw other ppl hav smoke coming out from their nostrils so i asked my friend why. she said i must inhale hard enough into the lung then i'll look the same as others. i did as she said. n again, i was almost choked to death. someone finished the other half of the ciggie for me. i felt d dryness in my throat, and in the lung. i don think i like it.

until now at age 31, i stil donno how to smoke n am stil curious bout it. i often ask friends who smoke bout the effects they get. does it make them feel good? relaxed? yes, mostly they say. n some of them say it's difficult to describe d feelings unless i try it myself. trust me, i did try to learn, but it's jus wasnt my cup of tea.

sometimes u jus donno how to do one thing even u put efforts in it, tht's becos u don like it at all.

written on 2/7/06 00:02

the moth, rushing to the flame.

the ship sank. am floating in the borderless sea. i can swim but i donno how long i can hang on there. i jus wish to grab something tht floats along so i wud feel easier...

i hav the least self control when it comes to personal emotion. even when i know it's a no-no but as long as it gives me the slightest piece of joy, i wud stil bang my head into it. even when i know anything now wud be jus a replacement i wud stil taking a risk to get myself drown into it. even when i know it's jus some words tht i shud not take them seriously but i wud stil thinking of them again n again...

i grabbed a wood, am floating with it then i saw something else. shud i let this go n grab something i thought better? i think i shud, i started to believe tht hint - "clash of styles..."

written on 2/7/06 00:15

alcoholic nights

many years ago i hav a nickname - the alcohol queen. it's merely a sarcasm, cos i cant drink at all. the last time i drank, i mean really drink, not jus holding a glass n sip for the whole night, was at the millennium party 1999, after many stops at different bars, we ended at planet hollywood, i was a total mess. i remembered at the end of the party, when the lights were on, i purposely drop the glass on the floor n the bouncers came to us, one of the guy friends said sorry for me then i forgot the rest... when i woke up the next day, i was on the floor in my office toilet, holding the toilet bowl, n the vomitted was all around it. since then i never really drink, n never get drunk again.

until last night, i took a friend's advice - take some alcohol before bedtime for better sleep. i hesitated for quite some time before taking his advice, simply becos i hav forbia of alcohol smell... but i wanna giv it a shot cos i cant be awake forever, not unless am a vampire. i took about 1/4 glass of dom. why dom? i think it's a healthier choice. after tht quantity of alcohol i started to feel dizzy, but not dizzy enough to make me sleep. i was sweating n rolling on the bed, i must admit i was a liiiiitle drunk at tht moment, but i don wanna get drunk, i jus wanna get unconcious till the next morning. so i doubled up the dose, i had another 1/2 glass of it n it hit me instantly! i cud feel my body jus fell on the bed the moment i put down the glass... but it wasnt a soundless sleep. it's jus like another rough sleep when i got drunk many years ago. the head was heavy, the body was weak, n am sure i mumbled a lot the whole night. yes, i mumbled when am drunk. n i was rolling n rolling as if am a pork on a barbecue stove, i think it's d heat from the alcohol...

i woke up with my head cracked. i made a plan to visit my parents day before n i must keep my promise. forcing myself to stand under the cold shower, i ended up sitting at the toilet bowl to finish the bath. my ma asked if i work too hard? why my face look so pale? how cud i possibly tell her i had a hangover from dom? it's embarassing. n i don wan her to know i hav insomnia, she wil giv me tons of herbs n the worst is, she might giv me her 2 special alcohol collections under her bed, which she claims hav magnificient medical effects - i call them the La~Mice & La~Snake which r made possibly before my grandma was born.

i reached home in the evening, i drown myself into d bed n head stil cracking. now i am feeling better after the shower n writing a blog entry here. i guess i'll try it again tonight, mayb i jus need some time to adapt the alcohol effect? if tonight's attempt fails again, i better stick firm to the sleeping pills.

written on 2/7/06 00:32