bangkok, am coming.

i hav been losing track of time lately. i thought in another 2 days i'll be in bangkok. when i find out i hav another week to wait for, i'm totally doomed. i need to break away from this office. my mind has oredi on board n omos touch down in the city of angels...

this is to the lost soul.

dear lost soul,

you've been with me for quite some while. just when your body is wondering where have you been, tell him, you've found me. yes, you've found me and i intend to keep you for as long as i can.

you and i, resting at a safe place in my heart now. somehow at the meantime, i haven't have the courage to set myself free with you, travel all miles, reunite with your body. i ask for your forgiveness, for tourturing and tearing you apart.

someday, oneday, when i am strong enough to break through the cocoon, i shall be able to fly with you. you will be chasing the shadow of the butterfly no more, because of the metaphormosis in me shall transform all difficulties, into a reality, a real butterfly which you can be flying with.

truly yours,
inside the cocoon.

...

"the true lonelines is not loving someone without letting him know, it is looking at someone who can love you back, but you just can't show." - 24th August 2006, 00:05am

the volcano in me erupted after hours of dormancy...

cut the crap for being unable to sleep, i took the medicine a bit too late last night. this drowsy cough syrup i cheated from the doc is useful, n powerful. i dossed off very soon.... slept like passing out til this morning, 9.45am. i cursed n everything was in a rush.

while on the way to the office, my mind started to calm down.... 'cool, cool, cool...' i told myself. then the handphone rang, a call from office, someone asking stupid questions at the other end. my mind started to warm up. seconds later, another call from office, asking very stupid questions, the volcano in me erupted after hours of dormancy.

lava overflowed and i know my day is gone. thinking to make things better out of the worst, i decided to hav a nice lunch in a nice restaurant. before the remedy takes effect, the handphone rang, it's from the office again. another explosion. am sorry, i jus cant help it anymore, the lava is spreading everywhere now, n i don intend to call for rescue team to evacuate the innocents, who ever come near today is gonna get burnt alive.

when i see you smile...

Sometimes I wonder
How I'd ever make it through,
Through this world without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue

'Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me,
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you, baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

When I see you smile
I can face the world, oh oh,
you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light, oh oh,
I see it shining right through the rain
When I see you smile
Oh yeah, baby when I see you smile at me

Baby there's nothing in this world
that could ever do
What a touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew

And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it,
'cause you're here with me now
And one look at you baby
Is all I'll ever need,
you're all I'll ever need

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

So right...

troubled mind

"Don't give love burden because it is simplicity itself"

i wrote that in year 2000. if i havent flipped thru my old diary these days i wudnt know i hav written so many craps.

to preach is one thing, practicing it is another. i hav a complicated mind, when one thing clashes with my principle, even i know i want it, i wil stil slice the thing up into layers and think every bloody layer thoroughly, and layers spinned off from each layer n so on...

do i want it so badly to slap my own mouth? i asked myself. i hav the answer deep in me but i really donno how to handle the situation.

fragile at night

00:37 - am writing this entry in the office. tired. mentally. i believe my mind is fragile at night, at this moment, my mind is in a idle mode...

so quiet, even a drop of water wil disturb it's rhythm.

so tame, i hav no intention to fight the confusion.

so inviting, all thoughts starting to flood my mind.

i close my eyes, wishing for a soundless sleep tonight.

my humps

cheap song? cheap video? i don care wat ppl say bout it, i jus got addicted to it.

man, dont u wish u r born to b a woman at least for one day?

one thing i like about the ladies changing room in gym, is to be able to look at all sorts of women. to set thing clear before i go on, am not a lesbian. plus, it's proven tht woman likes to look at woman, far more than looking at man.

most of the women in ladies changing room r very 'daring', i mean , in terms of flashing their bodies and doin things tht normally they don do in public. there r oso some who r timid and shy away from others, they dress and undress in a lock-up room instead. in this changing room, a small soicety is formed. besides seeing all sizes, races, shapes...etc, gossips, all types of weird behaviours u hav never seen in public, brands power, self-conciousness... really open ur eyes. interesting, indeed.

each woman standing in front of the mirror wil multiply into endless images, revealing many sides of them tht hav not been seen before...

away, chase the butterfly away...

i hav this butterfly in my stomach since yesterday, after knowing tht i need to sit with the sucker to do the career evaluation.

it upsets me. i don see a career here, i see it as a job. so sad to admit tht. i really donno how to evaluate myself here. how good can u achieve if u don hav passion for the things u do? i know the answer, tht's y am upset.

i saw him sitting side by side with all other collegues, tht upsets me. can i ask him to move his ass back to his seat instead of sitting besides me? tht definately suffocates me.

i told myself to stay calm when it's my turn. zip my mouth tight don let the words blaze. let him finish to get it over n done with. don fight back... but i know my eyes wil betray me. my eyes wil be in flames n burn him inside out.

the butterfly is getting bigger n bigger, well fed by the worrying. i feel like wanna puke now.

the perfect way to start a day...

...is starting it with a rainy day. i really love rainy day.

the view from my workstation

oh this is great!!

how motivated is that when the fucking stupid client challenge you to new ideas and once you've come out one they said they rather stick back to the same old shit? great great great!!! am really at the top of my anger now and i jus wish to get a stinky criminal to sodomise him, badly, leaving him all scarred physically and emotionally. may god stil be with him during his darkest time in his life. he better pray harder, not for not to be sodomised but praying the criminal bring some lubricant with him. fucking asshole. bastard. junk. filthy shitty scump of the earth.

am stil pissed.

fucking asshole. bastard. junk. filthy shitty scump of the earth.

i think i wanna mc today.

mj at work

my house is actually a big animal shelter. am jus a servant in there. i jus left for 1 min to grab a water n my place is oredi taken by someone else.

inborn disease

rolling left and right in bed til 4am this morning, the last thought in my head was why the vet cut my cat at the waist to remove the uterus instead of cutting her at the lower abdomen. while trying to rationalise tht, i finally found out why i cant sleep at night.

i must admit i'm a person who thinks a lot since i was a child. comes to think of it, it totally make sense why i hav insomnia, i think i don jus having it in these 3-4 yrs, i believe i've been having it all this while. i remember one night when i was small, i stared at the ceilings whole night and couldn't sleep at all, then i started to think how wud it be when the day my parents get old and die. totally terrified by the thought, i cried in bed the whole night...

and the night before i attended my 1st day in kindergarden. i guess i must hav stayed awake the whole night becos of d excitement. when my pa came into the room early morning, thought of dragging my lazy ass out of the bed, i was oredi all dress up and ready to go.

now flashing back to my childhood, i realise i seldom sleep well since then...

there was this night the whole family was out for a horror movie, my mind was fully captured by the scenes in the movie, i didnt sleep that night. i sat besides the bedroom door, preparing something wil come out from the dark. then i saw some air bubbles of the paint on the door, i started to poke and peel it. until the next morning, i omos peel off all the paint on the whole door. til now my ma stil scold me for tht.

i slept with my ma when i was small. there was quite a big opening on the ceiling in my ma's room. i donno why it's so. the opening was right above me. every night i stared at the exposed beam under the roof, i could even hav a glimpse of the dark sky outhere. when the weather was cloudy, the sky would turn into an evil and bloody red tone... one night a black cat sneaked in, sitting on the beam and we both stared at each other. i covered my face with the blanket, but worrying wat the black cat would do next, i left my eyes exposed from the blanket. in cases like these my patience outshine anything, the black cat finally left. but i believed the black cat wud come back to stare at me again, so i couldnt sleep. i stayed awake omos the whole night. while waiting for the black cat to come back, i saw a tiny hole on the wall, i donno wat's in my mind, cud be out of anxiety, i took the hair pin from my ma's head, and started to dig the tiny hole with it. by the next morning i woke up, my ma's head was full of dust, the tiny hole became as big as my ma's fist. i must hav dug it for quite some time to achieve result like that. i got spanked on the ass that morning.

years ago the japanese horror movies r the hit, the infamous 'the ring' especially. one night i was awaken by cold, the 1st thing came into my sight was the tv right in front of my bed. i started to imagine the broken-bone woman crawling out from it. then i decided to turn facing the wall instead, hoping to shake the thought off my mind, suddenly i hav the stupidest question popped up from my head, i asked myself: "wat if she crawl out n i didnt realise she oredi standing besides my bed?" u know wat i did? i turned around and stared at the tv the whole night... i wont blame u if u r now saying "wat the fuck?" it's ok, i understand.

many many nights like these happened. so i gotta stop blaming the insomnia happened for no reason. i created it. my imagination for nonsense stuff is like a inborn disease, the virus hav planted so deep in me, i really donno where to find cure now. help me.