sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.
And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.
Now, I could never change you, I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

And there's no way home, when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.

twirling, in love.

hav u played twirling before when u were a kid? u know, jus twirl at a same spot for no reason, then stop n hav fun in the after effect, get high by seeing things blur n spinning around u.

nicole kidman said something like this, tho' not in exact sentences, in the movie 'practical magic' - falling in love is like twirling, everything around u spins so fast n u cant see things clear. but u hav to focus on something otherwise u'll suffer the dizziness when u stop, n u will fall.

i havent found any better way to describe falling in love than the sentences above. especially when a new relationship start sprouting. it is so important to be with n to see tht person, tht we willing to neglect some other person, some other matters in our life.

is tht a sacrifice for love? i've been thinking bout it these few days. now i wud say no. it's killing a relationshio instead. i always believe in individualism, tht makes no exception in a realtionship when two person meet together. we become one spiritually, emotionally but not physically. despite of the treasured moments we share together, we should carry on with our own life, continue building our own social circle... n so forth.

my life was tiny in my previous relationship, i subconciously isolated myself from my friends jus to be with him. at times when i couldnt see him i became restless n negative feelings started to flow in. i became doubtful. n the worst is, i became a possesive bitch. i hate tht 'me' n i certainly don want to become like tht again...

i've been to heaven few months ago, i fell from there in these few days. yet i havent reached the hell. am grateful to say, am touching the ground, to hav a real life again.

if i change my room like yours,
will i feel you here?
if i read your letter a thousand times,
will i hear your whisper to my ears?
if i wrap myself with my own arms,
will i feel your warm embrace?
i miss you dearly, at my place.

goodnight. sweet dream.

2007 365 Days Cats & Dogs Calendar for Sale

christmas is jus around the corner, y not giving a special gift to friends and help the homeless animals at the same time?

this 365 Days Cats & Dogs Calendar wud definately make a meaningful and practical gift.

to leave or not to leave, that is not the question.

the question is - wat am i gonna do next if i leave the agency?

i have enough of advertising shits, tht's for sure. jumping into another shit hole which probably wil only keep me excited for couple of months is really unnecessary. so i guess i'll be floating on, in this big stinky shit tank, and seriously plan for the things i wanna do at the same time.

tht conveniently bring me d new year resolutions:

1. ahem~~ well, to continue the resoulution never happens this year, i, wong poh peng swear in the name of my smelly billy, tht i wil try not to say 'fuck' so much. yes, the battle carries on tho' it's more difficult than the 2nd one;
2. to get things tht i really wanna do started, even by the tiniest bit, or at part-time basis.

n of cos d above mentioned r for 2007, till then, i will cherish the remaining days with my foul mouth.

fuck.

Ironic - Alanis Morissette

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
Its a black fly in your chardonnay
Its a death row pardon two minutes too late
Isnt it ironic... dont you think?

Its like rain on your wedding day
Its a free ride when youve already paid
Its the good advice that you just didnt take
Who wouldve thought... it figures

Mr. play it safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
Well isnt this nice...
And isnt it ironic... dont you think?

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everythings okay and everythings going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everythings gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when youre already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
Its like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
Its meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isnt it ironic... dont you think?
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

a housewife - the escaped artist cant be.

the only moment when am thinking of marrying to a man who can take care of me, shower me with tender love, gives me a home, feed me well, is the moment when am fed up about my work. i guess this happens to omos every single working woman. no matter how tough an iron lady we can be in the office, deep down in us we jus want a place where we can retreat n hide from the storms in d corporate world.

during my leave i did the laundry i cleaned the house i cleaned the garden i bathed the pets n i cooked 3 meals a day happily. i did these with no complains becos i know it's not a long term thingy. even it's a long term thingy but i hav to do something else for my own at home. something tht generates income. having the thought of relying ur live solely on someone's income oredi freak me enough. it's the sense of insecurity about myself. one will lose his surviving skills after being in the comfort zone for too long, n i definately do not wanna be tht 'one'.

monday i had a bad day, i wanna be a housewife for tuesday wednesday thursday... till my mood is up and ready to rumble, i wanna go back to my work on next friday n leave my housewife life behind.

but in reality it doesnt work tht way, how can i be a housewife if i cant even accept being married in the first place? i know the answer deep down in me. i will never be a housewife, becos i don believe in marriage at all.

sad me.

why not...

why not we dance naked under the full moon,
and lie down on the grass when we are finally exhausted.

why not we hold our hands and twirl, and twirl,
till we are drown in dizziness and laugh about our silliness.

why not we just do nothing but staring at each other,
and tear a big grin on our face for this plain pleasure.

why not we count the wrinkles on our face today,
and be thankful for the years we spend together.

why not we hug each other tight every morning,
and feel the heart beating for each other.

why not we tie the knot,
and live happily ever after.

18 days in heaven.

the past 18 days is the longest leave i've ever taken in my working life. i had tears i had fun, n i had loads of food stuffed up altogether 3kg in me. shit.

6/11/06 : monday

i wish tomorrow never comes. i wish tomorrow never comes. i wish tomorrow never comes.

5/11/06 : sunday

i bathed all d dogs today. i cleaned up d dried plants piled up in d garden. i mopped d floor in d kitchen. i played computer games. i flipped some recipes books. another 2 days my life wil be doomed again...

4/11/06 : saturday

when the old newspaper-collector's truck passed by around noon time, the dogs howled as if seeing ghost. n tht's d time i knew i need to leave the bed. i suddenly craved for donuts n birthday cake. i know cake is cake but when u r eating a birthday cake with some greeting written on top, the feeling is different. i can buy a birthday cake now but i have no one to share it with... same date next year, i hope u'll blow d candle with me, happy birthday.

3/11/06 : friday

puppy is weak today. she shitted n messed up herself in the litter tray. i was so sad when i saw her lying hopelessly inside the tray, couldnt even get herself out of the mess... i washed her n my heart was bleeding.

2/11/06 : thursday

i really cant recall wat did i do today. i think real hard n i could only squeeze these things out from my drained brain - eat, sleep n window shopping, or the fact is, tht's really all i did for today.

1/11/06 : wednesday

i received a call from my second elder sister, saying tht my eldest sister n brother in-law came back from the states. i havent met my brother in-law for omos 20 years. i don feel too keen to meet them. 20 years, i think sometimes even flesh n blood get washed out by times n the distance of the grand pacific ocean.

31/10/06 : tuesday

life come back to the hustle bustle in the city. puppy moved in to her new house. she seemed settling herself quite well here. pace in everyday life was stil slow since am stil on leave. most of the time i was lazying around the house, watching tv n cooking. of cos it cant be compared to the life in tioman, but it's omos paradise to me...

30/10/06 : monday

we couldnt hide the sadness during the last morning here. it's like in heaven where u wake up to the panaromic oceanic view everyday, the sound of birds chirpping seemed to be our alarm clock in d morning. we often spent time watching the rain coming to us from the far away mountain n breathing the fresh air here, even the skin can feel the moist goin into the pores n rejuvenate every veins in the body.

every night we fell asleep to the serenade of the tide washing the shore, n whistling of the wind thru the leaves. life was too good to be true here. it seemed we had a lot of things done here but at the same time we seemed doin nothing at all, it's the freedom of mind. til we hav the luxury of time to be here again, tioman, my first visit here, wil be my memorable island experience.

29/10/06 : sunday

it's close to the monsoon season, it rained every morning. we sat at the balcony n day dreaming there, talking rubbish n often stared at the the mountain which turned omos invisible in the rain...

by the sun came out we were in the fishing game again. we climbed to the big rock by the sea, hoping to catch some big fish from there. i was thrilled by the view up there, n the big sunset right in front of me. we caught a big swordfish n happily brought it to the restaurant. tho it's didnt turn out to be a real tasty dish, but the feeling of eating ur own catch is satisfying n with much triumph filled in our stomach.

28/10/06 : saturday

the best vacation is a vacation without itinerary. we slept until we felt like waking up. we went for my very first fishing experience after breakfast. we spent omos one whole day at the jetty n we didnt hav much luck, but i caught 3 little fishes - first a dory, then a parrot fish, last an unknown black fish. they were too small for dinner, we gav them to the cat. later in the day when the other one were snorkeling out there, i was looking for some dead coral with funny shapes on the shore. time passed by like sand slipping thru our fingers, our second day ended soon after the dinner...

27/10/06 : friday

if it weren't the speedboat, the journey to tioman island was omos perfect. by the time we reached the island, we were totally swept away by the mother nature - the blue sky, the clear sea, the lushes of green, and the chalet with an oceanic view.

we stayed at bamboo hill, a resort even with no star rating or whatsoever, but there r something here tht money cant buy - the feel of home. the set up in bamboo hill is modest but every corner of the chalet is thoughtful for the guests. it has only 2 chalets n 4 rooms, all scattered away from each other, providing u maximum privacy n quiet time of ur own. other than tht they r all surrounded by trees n flowery plants, fresh air become something so precious to us here cos it's rare in d city. we took a nap n woke up for a fantastic dinner. wat a long nap, i know.

26/10/06 : thursday

at last i feel my feet touch the ground the moment i saw the face. even at this stage where we r now, i stil feel my heart is racing when i look into the eyes...

25/10/06 : wednesday

all work no play makes jack a dull boy, all play no work? makes me realise life is jus like a game. games r about the moves u make which decides ur victory or loss. sometimes in order to march forward, u need to retreat; in order to earn more points, u need to sacrifice some u hav in hand. amazingly i find the same theory applies to many things in our life - work, business, n relationships. tho am hooked to a kiddish game during my long leave but my brain is stil open for some philosophy thoughts. this is the result after many years being a person who thinks too much n talk cock all the time.

24/10/06 : tuesday

puppy's home, stil weak but at least she is moving. jus few days ago i thought she wil be paralysed n gone. dr. hasnul advised tht she has to be caged for life. it's not the first time i heard him saying tht, i jus couldnt do it but this time i hav no choice. this is the second time she collapsed for her discomfort caused by the peritoneopericardial diaphragmatic hernia, jus like the medical term, it is complicated.

23/10/06 : monday

i went to the place. even being alone there but seeing his things lying around, i feel home. i visited my parents later in d afternoon. i fed my pa his favourite whipped potatoes, i could tell he was happy then. puppy was stil staying at the clinic for further observation. when all the pets were fed n fell asleep at the wee hours, i was staring the ceiling n these lines came to me...

"if i were a bird, you would be my legs. without you i could only fly knowing nowhere to stop. you r my strength to hold me down and let me fly with a destination - to your heart, and rest there forever."

goodnite, sweet dream.

22/10/06 : sunday

puppy was put on drips n her time is not up yet. if she dies i wud never forgive myself. i made a promise tht she wil never left alone n unattended anymore. she is old, she deserves some more good years n i wil do as best as i can. i cleaned the house, keeping myself occupied. at night when i settled myself in bed, the loneliness swept over and i was swallowen by the emptiness.

"if i could be anything i would be your tear, so i could be born in your eye, live down your cheek and die on your lips"

this is one of the reason i couldnt get over u...

21/10/06 : saturday

i thought am gonna lose puppy. i was calm in the morning. i thought mayb i have become immune to departing with the pets since i have seen them died in front of me before. then i started to feel guilty, does it mean i love puppy less? or now i jus focus on something else tht i don care about them as much as before? i cant help but having the sense of sin wash all over me. after my bath i saw puppy lying omos breathless on the sofa, my face with all tears running like river overflown. she was rushed to the vet immediately. i was all prepared to put her to sleep, thinking of tht, the tears washed the face again. the journey was quiet. we hav issues we need to deal with separately, our mind was occupied by different subjects. the weekend plan changed n separation came earlier than expected.

20/10/06 : friday

once again am defeated by myself. it is more difficult than i imagined. i thought i could. things go back to how it was, but i doubt if it leaves a scar? or all these fights lead to more understandings n bring us closer? i donno, i know if the same fight happens again n again. we will lose the things we have now.

19/10/06 : thursday

today is the last working day before the festive break n my long leave begins. it's supposed to be a good evening ahead but the day ended in a terrible fight. am fighting with myself, a struggle between two places, n fighting for more time to spend with the ones i love. am mentally, physically n emotionally torn apart. the night seemed longer than usual...

i talk cock, again.

yesterday the sucker sent us an email regarding how we can hav a second life virtually. i jokingly replied him tht my being in my second life, is actually a slacker. n later he said being a slacker is not tht extraordinary in the virtual world at all (this motherfucker jus has to critisise n insult me even in my second life) n ask us to submit wat we wanna be by today morning.

cut short to how this idea came about, it is indeed an inspiring and interesting thing to do. i did put some thoughts on wat i wanna be then it goes back to my 'dreamer' personality. i jus cant decide wat or who i shud be. n the game is bound by a rule, watever u wanna be, it has to be an artistic side of business. i always wanna be a table so i guesss it doesnt work huh?

then later at night, while i was waiting to sign some finished artworks, the second life came back to haunt me again. i must admit this idea did attract me in certain levels as i hav so many things tht i cant achieve in real life. there's no harm living a virtual life n doin things u never got a chance to do, n no matter how fucked u end up with, no one REALLY die in a virtual world... then i thought i can become a killer. the act can be artistically done but it's illegal. so it doesnt work again. so i went back to my game.

same night around 10pm, i was stil sitting at the same spot, hooked to the game i played for omos 1.5hrs, i wondered if i can be a chef. is being a chef considered an artistic career? i think it is, food is always a piece of art, a genuine n honest art. there's never scams behind food, if the taste sucks, it tastes sucks, fair n square. then i hav the sucker's face floating in the air, rubbing his chin n say: "hmm... chef. not there yet." i decided to stop thinking about my second life anymore...

i left office around 10.20pm without signing the finished artworks, simply becos the changing of an 'a' here n a 'b' there really pissed me off. while i was driving home, i happily decided i stil wanna be a slacker in my second life, this time it's slightly different, i wanna be a slacker who talks cock.

"oh i see i see..."

......

a: "eh i thought they knew each other for quite some time?"

b: "no... they only knew each other when he started to work here."

a: " i see, but from the way she talks to him, i thought they r oredi old buddies."

b: "she doesnt't like him at all. she thinks tht he is so full of himself."

a: "oh i see i see..."

i'm d character 'a' all the time, i'm so blur tht i always hav wrong impression on other ppl's friendship in the office. i heard these type of stuff very often. so much so until last night i gathered this conclusion: in the world of advertising, never take friendship too seriously. the person who always pat on your shoulder n hav a smoking session with u, might actually "doesnt't like u at all. they thinks tht u r so full of urself."

hmm...

eat drink man woman

the black out, the lunch, & the dinner

i love cooking, n am pleased to be given the opportunity to cook for someone again. there's nothing happier than seeing someone indulge in the plain pleasure of food u prepared for them.

or is it love?

a blemished face;
a body passed its best shape in youth;
hides invisibly behind the passionate sights.
did we not really see it?
or we see something beyond it?

lines around the eyes;
cellulites on the thighs;
all ironed flat by the gentle touch.
did we not really feel it?
or we feel something beyond it?

or,

is it love...

phew~ wat a task!

finally, the entry for bangkok trip is done @ Bangkok, am i absent-minded this time?

thing tht a thief can't steal...

"the thief left it behind - the moon at the window"

to the storyteller: i hope u don mind tht i borrowed ur pic without ur permission.

i was reading the storyteller's latest blog entry, then i remember you mentioned that to me once. i didnt catch it then, but tonight, when i read the line, with the picture showing at above... i guess the thief jus hav no choice... sometimes there are things even the wisest thief could never steal. for example, a moment. then i wanna tell you this:

u say i rob you with nothing left
but deep down in you, there's stil something
that i cant take, and i cant move
that's the feeling in you

i can only feel it
in the way you feel
i can only see it
from they way you show me

but again
that's the thing
that i cant take, and i cant move
that's the emotion in you

foreword to my trip

travelling in one place, mind splitted in two,
1,2,3, i gotta stop thinking of you...

everywhere i go, i thought i saw a familiar shadow,
i turned my head, it was as if a dejavu,

i missed my station, when i was looking for you in my memory,
4,5,6, i think am getting down with a flu...

travelling in one place,
mind splitted in two...

the art of a killing scene

there r many ways of getting someone killed, i mean, doin the killing scenes, in the movies.

i like to see killing scenes done without showing the blood first, like this: u hear the sound effect - swoop! the weapon cut into one's flesh, solid and deep. then a close-up shot on the victim's facial expression, so painful, the body has totally lost it strength, so helpless, that he cud not touch the wound as it'll trigger more pain, so destructive tht a single move wil provoke the death sooner... the killer approached the pale-looking victim n offer him a ciggie. the victim inhaled long and deep, releasing his greatest pain in this little joy, the next thing he knows, his wound was crushed open underneath the killer's heel. the heel has gone all the way into the wound. she twisted the heel left and right, getting it deeper, as if she wanna feel the ground through his flesh n bones...

she cleaned the heel with a white cotton handkerchief, with her name embroidered in lilac colored thread. oh no, she saw a tiny drop of blood stained her white skirt, she mumbled some words tht cud not be clearly heard, frowned and walked away.

the angry chapter is soon to finish...

but, there r stil some traces left behind which can trigger my temper any second. i feel so up-tight, so tensed, as if u pull one single hair of mine n next thing u know, u'll be in a pool of blood, dead without knowing a clue wat hav u done wrong.

i woke up at nights and saw myself in frown in d mirror. i can be tht angry even in my sleep. i kicked the comforter when i woke up. i threw the pillow.

the weather turns dark, i do cheer up a bit by now. i chilled a bit during lunch hr. if it's not the phone calls from the office this morning, i cud be whistling in this cloudy day oredi... i hate to start my day with phone ringing non-stop.

another few hrs to kill to end another miserable day. til now i havent tasted blood. where r my victims? am tapping my feet, waiting impatiently...

self destruction

nothing could ever please me n cheer me up today. i've been waiting to kill patiently but my preys are jus not in my way today. they possibly smell me from miles away. and hide. lacking blood between my teeth makes me even more agitated...

wat's wrong with me today? everything seems wrong. wrong. the sun is too bright. sky too blue. grass too green. office too cold. stomach too full. the fucking car stil has the problem. the client stil that stupid.

chill. chill. chill. shit.

relax. relax. relax. fuck.

take it easy. take it easy. bullshit.

i guess i've been too happy lately. am not supposed to be a happy person, am a weird and sad person. now am losing control and i suddenly lose d focus in my own life. wat the hell am i doin? where is myself? y am i so happy? then wat's next? wat if i spend my hapiness too fast and i hav to suck up all the sorrows for the rest of my life... i need some tragic moment. think. think. i can do it. jus think, i can be tragic.

shoot me right at the middle of my forehead. the bullet shall crash my skull and leaving a burn mark at the front, and a huge bloody wet hole at the back. the head is lighter now, the brain is smashed. tht's d thing tht keep the head heavy, tht's where it stores all the problems n puzzles. now they r all gone, all over the floor, together with the brain and blood.

i shud be dead for today. or as long as i wanna be.

kuala lumpur, am back.

am back, from the shopping lala land... straight away burying myself into d work, i havent found time to write about my bangkok trip and put it up in my travel blog. but t.g.i.f, i shall be able to get it done over d weekend. again, it feels good to be home, and to be awaited for...

bangkok, am coming.

i hav been losing track of time lately. i thought in another 2 days i'll be in bangkok. when i find out i hav another week to wait for, i'm totally doomed. i need to break away from this office. my mind has oredi on board n omos touch down in the city of angels...

this is to the lost soul.

dear lost soul,

you've been with me for quite some while. just when your body is wondering where have you been, tell him, you've found me. yes, you've found me and i intend to keep you for as long as i can.

you and i, resting at a safe place in my heart now. somehow at the meantime, i haven't have the courage to set myself free with you, travel all miles, reunite with your body. i ask for your forgiveness, for tourturing and tearing you apart.

someday, oneday, when i am strong enough to break through the cocoon, i shall be able to fly with you. you will be chasing the shadow of the butterfly no more, because of the metaphormosis in me shall transform all difficulties, into a reality, a real butterfly which you can be flying with.

truly yours,
inside the cocoon.

...

"the true lonelines is not loving someone without letting him know, it is looking at someone who can love you back, but you just can't show." - 24th August 2006, 00:05am

the volcano in me erupted after hours of dormancy...

cut the crap for being unable to sleep, i took the medicine a bit too late last night. this drowsy cough syrup i cheated from the doc is useful, n powerful. i dossed off very soon.... slept like passing out til this morning, 9.45am. i cursed n everything was in a rush.

while on the way to the office, my mind started to calm down.... 'cool, cool, cool...' i told myself. then the handphone rang, a call from office, someone asking stupid questions at the other end. my mind started to warm up. seconds later, another call from office, asking very stupid questions, the volcano in me erupted after hours of dormancy.

lava overflowed and i know my day is gone. thinking to make things better out of the worst, i decided to hav a nice lunch in a nice restaurant. before the remedy takes effect, the handphone rang, it's from the office again. another explosion. am sorry, i jus cant help it anymore, the lava is spreading everywhere now, n i don intend to call for rescue team to evacuate the innocents, who ever come near today is gonna get burnt alive.

when i see you smile...

Sometimes I wonder
How I'd ever make it through,
Through this world without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue

'Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me,
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you, baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

When I see you smile
I can face the world, oh oh,
you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light, oh oh,
I see it shining right through the rain
When I see you smile
Oh yeah, baby when I see you smile at me

Baby there's nothing in this world
that could ever do
What a touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew

And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it,
'cause you're here with me now
And one look at you baby
Is all I'll ever need,
you're all I'll ever need

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

So right...

troubled mind

"Don't give love burden because it is simplicity itself"

i wrote that in year 2000. if i havent flipped thru my old diary these days i wudnt know i hav written so many craps.

to preach is one thing, practicing it is another. i hav a complicated mind, when one thing clashes with my principle, even i know i want it, i wil stil slice the thing up into layers and think every bloody layer thoroughly, and layers spinned off from each layer n so on...

do i want it so badly to slap my own mouth? i asked myself. i hav the answer deep in me but i really donno how to handle the situation.

fragile at night

00:37 - am writing this entry in the office. tired. mentally. i believe my mind is fragile at night, at this moment, my mind is in a idle mode...

so quiet, even a drop of water wil disturb it's rhythm.

so tame, i hav no intention to fight the confusion.

so inviting, all thoughts starting to flood my mind.

i close my eyes, wishing for a soundless sleep tonight.

my humps

cheap song? cheap video? i don care wat ppl say bout it, i jus got addicted to it.

man, dont u wish u r born to b a woman at least for one day?

one thing i like about the ladies changing room in gym, is to be able to look at all sorts of women. to set thing clear before i go on, am not a lesbian. plus, it's proven tht woman likes to look at woman, far more than looking at man.

most of the women in ladies changing room r very 'daring', i mean , in terms of flashing their bodies and doin things tht normally they don do in public. there r oso some who r timid and shy away from others, they dress and undress in a lock-up room instead. in this changing room, a small soicety is formed. besides seeing all sizes, races, shapes...etc, gossips, all types of weird behaviours u hav never seen in public, brands power, self-conciousness... really open ur eyes. interesting, indeed.

each woman standing in front of the mirror wil multiply into endless images, revealing many sides of them tht hav not been seen before...

away, chase the butterfly away...

i hav this butterfly in my stomach since yesterday, after knowing tht i need to sit with the sucker to do the career evaluation.

it upsets me. i don see a career here, i see it as a job. so sad to admit tht. i really donno how to evaluate myself here. how good can u achieve if u don hav passion for the things u do? i know the answer, tht's y am upset.

i saw him sitting side by side with all other collegues, tht upsets me. can i ask him to move his ass back to his seat instead of sitting besides me? tht definately suffocates me.

i told myself to stay calm when it's my turn. zip my mouth tight don let the words blaze. let him finish to get it over n done with. don fight back... but i know my eyes wil betray me. my eyes wil be in flames n burn him inside out.

the butterfly is getting bigger n bigger, well fed by the worrying. i feel like wanna puke now.

the perfect way to start a day...

...is starting it with a rainy day. i really love rainy day.

the view from my workstation

oh this is great!!

how motivated is that when the fucking stupid client challenge you to new ideas and once you've come out one they said they rather stick back to the same old shit? great great great!!! am really at the top of my anger now and i jus wish to get a stinky criminal to sodomise him, badly, leaving him all scarred physically and emotionally. may god stil be with him during his darkest time in his life. he better pray harder, not for not to be sodomised but praying the criminal bring some lubricant with him. fucking asshole. bastard. junk. filthy shitty scump of the earth.

am stil pissed.

fucking asshole. bastard. junk. filthy shitty scump of the earth.

i think i wanna mc today.

mj at work

my house is actually a big animal shelter. am jus a servant in there. i jus left for 1 min to grab a water n my place is oredi taken by someone else.

inborn disease

rolling left and right in bed til 4am this morning, the last thought in my head was why the vet cut my cat at the waist to remove the uterus instead of cutting her at the lower abdomen. while trying to rationalise tht, i finally found out why i cant sleep at night.

i must admit i'm a person who thinks a lot since i was a child. comes to think of it, it totally make sense why i hav insomnia, i think i don jus having it in these 3-4 yrs, i believe i've been having it all this while. i remember one night when i was small, i stared at the ceilings whole night and couldn't sleep at all, then i started to think how wud it be when the day my parents get old and die. totally terrified by the thought, i cried in bed the whole night...

and the night before i attended my 1st day in kindergarden. i guess i must hav stayed awake the whole night becos of d excitement. when my pa came into the room early morning, thought of dragging my lazy ass out of the bed, i was oredi all dress up and ready to go.

now flashing back to my childhood, i realise i seldom sleep well since then...

there was this night the whole family was out for a horror movie, my mind was fully captured by the scenes in the movie, i didnt sleep that night. i sat besides the bedroom door, preparing something wil come out from the dark. then i saw some air bubbles of the paint on the door, i started to poke and peel it. until the next morning, i omos peel off all the paint on the whole door. til now my ma stil scold me for tht.

i slept with my ma when i was small. there was quite a big opening on the ceiling in my ma's room. i donno why it's so. the opening was right above me. every night i stared at the exposed beam under the roof, i could even hav a glimpse of the dark sky outhere. when the weather was cloudy, the sky would turn into an evil and bloody red tone... one night a black cat sneaked in, sitting on the beam and we both stared at each other. i covered my face with the blanket, but worrying wat the black cat would do next, i left my eyes exposed from the blanket. in cases like these my patience outshine anything, the black cat finally left. but i believed the black cat wud come back to stare at me again, so i couldnt sleep. i stayed awake omos the whole night. while waiting for the black cat to come back, i saw a tiny hole on the wall, i donno wat's in my mind, cud be out of anxiety, i took the hair pin from my ma's head, and started to dig the tiny hole with it. by the next morning i woke up, my ma's head was full of dust, the tiny hole became as big as my ma's fist. i must hav dug it for quite some time to achieve result like that. i got spanked on the ass that morning.

years ago the japanese horror movies r the hit, the infamous 'the ring' especially. one night i was awaken by cold, the 1st thing came into my sight was the tv right in front of my bed. i started to imagine the broken-bone woman crawling out from it. then i decided to turn facing the wall instead, hoping to shake the thought off my mind, suddenly i hav the stupidest question popped up from my head, i asked myself: "wat if she crawl out n i didnt realise she oredi standing besides my bed?" u know wat i did? i turned around and stared at the tv the whole night... i wont blame u if u r now saying "wat the fuck?" it's ok, i understand.

many many nights like these happened. so i gotta stop blaming the insomnia happened for no reason. i created it. my imagination for nonsense stuff is like a inborn disease, the virus hav planted so deep in me, i really donno where to find cure now. help me.

lost of the ring

the only accessory on my hand, on my left hand always, is silver rings.

my first silver ring was given by my ma when i was 19, it was an old n unfashionable piece. i bought my own first silver ring when i was 21, thought it was trendy then but turns out to be another unfashionable one now. i usually wear these two on my left ring finger. so me, an unfashionable one too.

the third ring has a special story that i don wish to mention...

my fourth ring was 'taken' from my ma's little junk box last year, it was a small silver ring can only fit to my little finger. it was covered in dust n the color was dull, lying unnoticeable underneath a bunch of old coins. i brushed it with tooth paste, it turned out to be a pretty special piece of something.

the fifth and sixth rings r bought in bali this year.

among all in the bunch, i like the third and fourth best. unfortunately, one mysteriously lost in the house after the break-up, one lost in a shopping mall on the first day i wore it. my heart stil wrench everytime i think of this. and i feel sorry to my ma, she has kept tht little ring more than 50yrs and i lost it in one day. as for the third one, i guess it's just meant to be happened tht way.

i've got nailed.

last night i watched "you've got mail" starred by meg ryan and tom hanks. i stil vote it as the most romantic movie i have seen in these years.

the movie is set on the background of my favourite city, new york. i wil never find another city which is more chariming than she is. the streets, the yellow cabs, the sidewalk cafes and the contrast between the glamour and the grunge, tht is a place i must visit at least once in my lifetime.


the two characters in the movie respectively living in with their partners, yet the person come closer to their hearts, is a total stranger from the net. 2 lonely hearts in a big city, they seem to know each other so well but they have never met before. so close, yet so far. tragically romantic.

in the movie, kathleen (meg ryan) writes about her daily life which seems irrelevant to joe (tom hanks), becos she found him as someone she can communicate to. in real life, it is hard to find someone actually care you've read "pride and prejudice" and which chapter you r in. i can understand her excitement of waiting to receive mails from the other. sometimes you just need someone to talk to, and you'll feel it's easier to talk to someone you don really know. it's just like trashing all your thoughts to this person and not worrying he'll judge you with pre-perceptions. you need a channel out, even it could be a selfish act. tragically mentally lonely.

and wat else make the movie being so romantic to me, it's new york in autumn. the orangy brownish hue throughout the movie, the falling leaves on the streets, the little bookstore, and starbucks coffee. i become the victim of starbucks coffee after watching the movie in year 1998.

but tht's not jus it. it's the emails and chats between kathleen and joe.

being romantic is not about sending roses and saying i love you everyday. it is about heart to heart communication. when someone makes you a hot tea when you r omos crushed; cracks a joke to you when you r omos in tears; gives you a shoulder rub when you r down; or omos didnt do anything but always being there when you need him to... when you hav found this "someone", seize the treasure and dont ever let it go. or if you were like me, who had it once, be thankful at least you've met this special someone in your life before.

true fitness? gimme my roasted pork first.

i went to check out a gym recently open at taipan on last saturday. claiming itself as the largest gym in south east asia, it is, indeed, spacious and the facilities r impressing. underneath my emotionless face, i was actually excited when the brand escort showing me around and explaining which machine wil help me to tune my fats. then when he went on n on about how i should achieve my goal in 3mths, how i should eat and how i should cut down on intakes of all the fattening foods i love. i started to yawn.... zzz.

i told him the only reason i join the gym, again, after stopping for omos 2 yrs, is to exhaust myself so that i can sleep at night. cut all being healthy and living a better life kind of craps, if i cant even sleep like a normal person at nights. so, i wil do all the programs the trainer set for me but stop eating chinese roasted pork?? no way....

life's a breeze when...

life is a breeze when u don need to work and hav countless cash to spend in a shopping mall.

to the unfortunate ppl like us, who suffers insults from the biggest-jerk-off-fucker in the office, drama queens and endless politics in each departments everyday, lunch hour is the only time we break away from those soap opera scenes and breath in the clean air. if we're lucky, we wud beat the traffic jam n finish lunch earlier, then we wud take our stroll in the mall for some retail therapy. if we're really lucky, we wud take the risk reaching office much later n indulge ourselves in something very nice, like haagen dazs.

ya, life is a breeze, even for a brief moment like this.

and the award goes to...

i always admire those ppl who came out with small invention tht brings big impact in our life, well, in my life at least.

u know when i say invention it doesnt really mean anything great, my brain usually focuses on something redundant or very skewed towards to personal pleasures. anything makes me happy wil gain high appraisal from me, yes, even the chinese roasted pork is considered as a great invention to me. the judgement of a good piece of chinese roasted pork depends not only on its marinates, it's the crispy skin with bubbles burst tht matters the most. i can hav this little bastard alone for a meal. whoever 'invented' the recipe, u r sure a nobel laureate, come claim the award from me. hugs n kisses await.

another thing makes my life easier is sleeping pill. i discover how much it benefits me a year ago. i know it's not advisable to depend on this but pls let me hang on to this to carry on my life at this moment. u pop a pill n all the blues shall be kept at bay. i havent been sleeping well in omos 4 yrs, so taking 1 per night for a soundless sleep is definately not too much to ask for. it's very difficult to get it from the doc, u hav to look sincere tht u r not trying to kill yourself, or u hav to look really bad so they think u REALLY need to sleep. i jus got 10, am splitting these little precious into half so i'll hav 20 goodnights. ok sleeping pills may not be a great invention but still, i'll giv whoever came out v it an award. come come, hugs n kisses. muah.

You say it best, when you say nothing at all.

It's amazing
How you can speak
Right to my heart
Without saying a word,
You can light up the dark
Try as I may
I could never explain
What I hear when
You don't say a thing

The smile on your face
Lets me know
That you need me
There's a truth
In your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says
You'll catch me
Whenever I fall
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all

All day long
I can hear people
Talking out loud
But when you hold me near
You drown out the crowd
(The crowd)
Try as they may
They can never define
What's been said
Between your
Heart and mine

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know
That you need me

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know
That you need me

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

when you say nothing at all- Ronan Keating

awakening

it took me some time to call him 'ex' after the break-up. i refused to use the word 'ex' at the early stage when the wound was stil fresh, becos i thought if i use the term there wil never be a turning back, if i use the term on him, he wil, be an 'ex' forever, n watever happened between us wil be a past. until recently, i started to use the term. i finally accept the fact tht we r separated, n i've got over him. at least i thought i was.

not til this morning i received an email from him. it was jus 2 lines in it, my tears falling down the face. jus when i thought i hav moved on to something new, my heart stil linger in the past, i guess it never leaves the past, it's just waiting for this email to tell myself, the felling hasnt died. it's jus been buried for awhile, n now it's awake.

more than words

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words
Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words

Extreme - More Than Words

neighbours

one of the advantages of staying at a corner lot, i only hav one neighbour attached to my house. i've been staying there for 3 yrs, but i stil donno my next door's name. our conversation is less than 5 lines. i seldom see him. he is staying alone, a man at his mid 30's. i know he like football, everytime he gets home he'll tune into the football channel. if it's not football season, he likes tvb dramas, tvb or taiwan entertainment shows. jus yesterday i heard him burst out laughing when watching one of those shows. ok, i know it sounds like am a pervert who spies on my neighbours but am NOT, i was jus happened to be bathing my dogs outside. when i heard him laughed at tht moment, i had this thought in my mind: "this neighbour of mine is not a bad person." i donno y i hav tht conclusion, but i think tht's something has to do with tht loud laughing.

last friday i got home i heard laughters, chattings and smell of barbecue coming from the house behind mine, it's been empty for some time. ah, new neighbours. i was at the kitchen, i cant help but overheard part of their conversation, quite a decent bunch of chinese chaps. later that night one of the guy played guitar, n sang some nice songs too. i wonder if he's d same guy who played guitar, if he is, i must see how he looks like, cos he sings quite well. especially when he sang "more than words" from extreme, i jus stood at the kitchen till he finished. and jus when i was about to turn off the light n go upstairs, he sang "when you say nothing at all" from ronan keating, i stood there for another 3-4 minutes... tht night i realised tht the best music, is jus a good voice with plain guitar playing with it. this short experience tells me they shud be good neighbours too.

i don expect to hav warm fuzzy neighbours who volunteer to water my plants, in fact too much kindness suffocates me. i only need some decent ppl, even they don talk to me but as long as they r self-disciplined n clean ppl to be my neighbours. but, having a good neighbour, is like having a good lover. u cant find them, but only meet them in a fortunate encounter.

unfortunate events

i had a black sweater tht i always wrapped it around my neck when it's cold. i had it for about 7 yrs, then suddenly one day i realised i lost it. the worst part is i didnt even know where did i lose it. i'd been searching high n low n called every friend who possibly remember where n when was the last time they saw it on me... i cud not find it. i'm very sad. now i've been trying to find the same sweater but i cant find it anymore, not even a similar one.

n jus last night, i lost my anklet in a pub. it's not an old companion but it hurts too. damn it.

scary...

this morning i saw a female colleague vomitted in the bathroom. she's pregnant, i saw her vomitting few days in a row oredi. scary mary goosy harry... when i said am not gonna hav baby in my 20's, most of my elder friends said i wil change my mind when i get older, well omos 10 yrs has passed. i stil think pregnancy freaks me out.

beautiful moment

i think i look beautiful only when am wearing a facial mask, cos tht's d time my face is covered by mud n u wont be able to see the ugliness on it. haha

even being so beautiful at tht moment, i dare not post the pic too big, i don wanna cause any riots in town.

i was on leave...

i slept til 11am,
the weather was cloudy,
the cats r comfortly lying besides me,
we were all relunctant to leave the bed.

holy smoke!

omos everyone met me for the first time thinks am a hardcore smoker.

i learnt how to smoke when i was 15. i stole a stick from my father, hid in the bathroom n took the first smoke in my life. i was almost choked to death, the loud coughing drew my father's attention. he knocked the door n i was panic like hell. i let the window wide opened n swang the shower in the air, hoping to clear the smell. i guess my father didnt find out after all. it wasnt a success, i didnt know how to smoke then.

when a friend approached me for my second smoking lesson, in a bar when i was 24, i said ok. am always curious bout how does it feel when we smoke. i didnt inhale it to my lung, i jus blew the smoke out from the mouth, without the choke i thought i knew how to smoke oredi. "it's not tht difficult!" i told myself. then i saw other ppl hav smoke coming out from their nostrils so i asked my friend why. she said i must inhale hard enough into the lung then i'll look the same as others. i did as she said. n again, i was almost choked to death. someone finished the other half of the ciggie for me. i felt d dryness in my throat, and in the lung. i don think i like it.

until now at age 31, i stil donno how to smoke n am stil curious bout it. i often ask friends who smoke bout the effects they get. does it make them feel good? relaxed? yes, mostly they say. n some of them say it's difficult to describe d feelings unless i try it myself. trust me, i did try to learn, but it's jus wasnt my cup of tea.

sometimes u jus donno how to do one thing even u put efforts in it, tht's becos u don like it at all.

written on 2/7/06 00:02

the moth, rushing to the flame.

the ship sank. am floating in the borderless sea. i can swim but i donno how long i can hang on there. i jus wish to grab something tht floats along so i wud feel easier...

i hav the least self control when it comes to personal emotion. even when i know it's a no-no but as long as it gives me the slightest piece of joy, i wud stil bang my head into it. even when i know anything now wud be jus a replacement i wud stil taking a risk to get myself drown into it. even when i know it's jus some words tht i shud not take them seriously but i wud stil thinking of them again n again...

i grabbed a wood, am floating with it then i saw something else. shud i let this go n grab something i thought better? i think i shud, i started to believe tht hint - "clash of styles..."

written on 2/7/06 00:15

alcoholic nights

many years ago i hav a nickname - the alcohol queen. it's merely a sarcasm, cos i cant drink at all. the last time i drank, i mean really drink, not jus holding a glass n sip for the whole night, was at the millennium party 1999, after many stops at different bars, we ended at planet hollywood, i was a total mess. i remembered at the end of the party, when the lights were on, i purposely drop the glass on the floor n the bouncers came to us, one of the guy friends said sorry for me then i forgot the rest... when i woke up the next day, i was on the floor in my office toilet, holding the toilet bowl, n the vomitted was all around it. since then i never really drink, n never get drunk again.

until last night, i took a friend's advice - take some alcohol before bedtime for better sleep. i hesitated for quite some time before taking his advice, simply becos i hav forbia of alcohol smell... but i wanna giv it a shot cos i cant be awake forever, not unless am a vampire. i took about 1/4 glass of dom. why dom? i think it's a healthier choice. after tht quantity of alcohol i started to feel dizzy, but not dizzy enough to make me sleep. i was sweating n rolling on the bed, i must admit i was a liiiiitle drunk at tht moment, but i don wanna get drunk, i jus wanna get unconcious till the next morning. so i doubled up the dose, i had another 1/2 glass of it n it hit me instantly! i cud feel my body jus fell on the bed the moment i put down the glass... but it wasnt a soundless sleep. it's jus like another rough sleep when i got drunk many years ago. the head was heavy, the body was weak, n am sure i mumbled a lot the whole night. yes, i mumbled when am drunk. n i was rolling n rolling as if am a pork on a barbecue stove, i think it's d heat from the alcohol...

i woke up with my head cracked. i made a plan to visit my parents day before n i must keep my promise. forcing myself to stand under the cold shower, i ended up sitting at the toilet bowl to finish the bath. my ma asked if i work too hard? why my face look so pale? how cud i possibly tell her i had a hangover from dom? it's embarassing. n i don wan her to know i hav insomnia, she wil giv me tons of herbs n the worst is, she might giv me her 2 special alcohol collections under her bed, which she claims hav magnificient medical effects - i call them the La~Mice & La~Snake which r made possibly before my grandma was born.

i reached home in the evening, i drown myself into d bed n head stil cracking. now i am feeling better after the shower n writing a blog entry here. i guess i'll try it again tonight, mayb i jus need some time to adapt the alcohol effect? if tonight's attempt fails again, i better stick firm to the sleeping pills.

written on 2/7/06 00:32

new vocabularies i learnt

despite of omos drown in the burger-norm-boredom, i learn some new words from time to time, after the 'cohesion', which is quite a strong word to describe our work, today i came across this word: 'squalid'.

it is written in the job req: " to hav squalidly line for...." i was puzzled, so i asked my copywriter, she was puzzled too, later we found the meaning of 'squalid' as:

squal.id
adj.

1. Dirty and wretched, as from poverty or lack of care. See Synonyms at dirty.
2. Morally repulsive; sordid: “the squalid atmosphere of intrigue, betrayal, and counterbetrayal” (W. Bruce Lincoln).

squal'id.ly adv.
squal'id.ness or squa.lid'i.ty n.

pls excuse my poor pool of vocabularies in mind, but tht sentence in the job req really got me thinking hard...

sleepless night

another sleepless night. i read til 3 something in the morning, stil no sign of tiredness. after playing with my handphone camera, i went downstairs to play with the cats. they were all awake, one thing i really envy bout cats, they can stay the whole night up n not worrying a bit of it, cos they don need to work. when the morning comes, they jus hide at a corner.... n find their sweet dreams. i really wish i can be a cat, in fact i oredi turning into one, i realised this in one morning, when i was petting my cats on bed, i purred together with them. cat's influences, scary.

goro at the staircase

light on my bedside table

when i lost the man who used to take care of all the electric appliances at home, i simply donno wat to do when d lamp on the bedside table was not working. i sleep with this light on, everynight. and i read my comics under this light. i was sleeping in darkness for months.

i thought of trashing it cos i donno wat to do since i don even know wat's wrong with it. then i remember he used to change the plug of few lamps at home n the lights wud come back, so i took it to the nearest electrical shop, asked the auntie to change for me. for rm4.50 each plug, she gave me a stare, an unpleasant one when i asked for this little service. but it worths it. now i hav the light back, and i can read my comics again till i doze off.

it was another sleepless night, i discovered some extra functions in my handphone camera.

one fine day...

these pics was taken some months ago, only now hav time to download the pics from my handphone. it was one evening in the office, a less hectic day, was sitting at the bistro area, and waiting to be dismissed from work.

i hope i can do it again today.

i killed a family

i was shocked n stunned when i saw this family quietly settled at my house. am sorry, i hav no choice but to kill them all. creepy ugly shits.

loneliness

some ppl hav many friends around them, but yet they feel they r not understood. even couples in love for many years, when they feel a distance started to grow between them, it's just feel so apart even they see each other everyday and hav meals at the same table.

mentally lonely is more miserable than physical one...

my 4th skecth

my 4th sketch, that i donno when i can finish...

a not-so-desparate housewife

if my colleagues n friends see me at home, n the way i serve my pets, my snobbish icy cold image wil be shattered into pieces. when i call their names, my voice sounds so sweet even i myself wanna puke.

even being single, but having so many pets, my life is ran pretty much like every housewife's one. cleaning the house, chasing the pets for misbehaving, preparing meals for the (fur)kids, cleaning their shits...etc. oh n don forget to mention bout collecting coupons like every housewife does, so that i can redeem free pet foods, and speaking of pet food, comparing prices in few pet shops before buying is one of the routine as well, jus like every housewife knows which grocery shop sells cheapest toilet rolls.

i see myself as a perfect housewife material, jus minus having a husband part.

flash back 1

i cant believe i wrote this in year 1995, i found this in an old old diary book. i hav goosebump all over my back when reading this, n i blushed... simply becos it sounds so damn mushy! but i don mind to share it here.

there were times in our life tht we jus say wat we feel without second thought, tht's youth. so get ready to laugh!

Recovery ~ '95
when the worst part of the nightmare is realised,
there's nothing much left to be afraid of,
jus like when i realised tht you don love me at all,
it's only tears falling down my face,
and hav a shattered heart, tht's all.

when a beautiful dream is broken into pieces,
there's no point to mend it ,
it's like a mirror falls on the floor,
it's impossible to find every single piece of them,
back to the original place after all.
and no one wants to see a broken face,
which looks unusual anymore.

one day when i climb up to the peak of the mountain,
and look down from above,
i see a further view and everything to me is so small,
at last i find,
losing someone's love,
is no big deal, all in all.

but funny how it seems, it's best to describe how i feel now.

...

judging from my father's illness condition for the past few months, we all have oredi prepare for the worst. he was totally out of shape and all he could do was only lying on the bed and whispering words that hardly understood. we all wish he would get better, or, tho' we never said or discuss it among the family, we wish, if he could not get better, he would pass on peacefully, with no more suffering and pain.

so u can imagine how overjoyed we r, especially my mother who takes care of him 24/7 when we saw him stood up and walked to the living room. we all think it's a miracle.

however the improvement leads to another problem, my father now jus become restless and with his parkinson and alzheimer's disease symtoms, he has hallucination all the time. u can tell he is living in fear by the way he looks at u, the way he looks around the house and every now and then, he'll try to kill the snake (his biggest fear, which are actually a bunch of wires). my mother is more stressful now cos she needs to follow everywhere he goes. everytime i went back to see my father, jus tht few hours serving him oredi make me feel very hectic. and sometimes i feel like there is a bad-me and a good-me standing on both of my shoulders, telling me: "maybe he's better off jus lying on bed..." "be patient, he is jus not himself anymore..." "things r easier when he cant walk..." "cant blame him for pissing in the living room..." it's like a never ending dilemma tearing me apart. i seriously cant imagine wat my mom's been goin thru this few years since he got the disease.

i believe this is the test tht specially created for us. u may find am fucking bad to even think of those negative things for my father, but unless u hav a family member with such neuro disorder disease otherwise u'll never understand how we feel. it's a mentally and physically challenge, and knowing there's no way we wil giv up on him, his every little change changes our life...

the good-me has been telling me tht this is the best opportunity to repay my gratitute to my father for raising me. now am at his position 31 yrs ago, doin things tht he did for me: changing diapers, bathing, feeding, and encourage me to take the first step to walk... and compare to my siblings who stay with my parents, my contribution is nothing. only thinking of these wil put my thru the test and shut the bad-me down.

perks of being one of the top man in ad agency

monthly salary:

at least above 20k.

campany car:
something at least worth over 300k.

fucking or having sexual relationship with the female staff:
priceless.

分离是为了下一次的相聚。

"every departure is happened for the next reunion"

literally translated from the chinese saying.

my pose

Find your own pose!

Toboggan Traits and Tendencies

Tobogganeers are always one step in front of their peers; they're first to buy a house, first to microdermabrate, first to spend more than a thousand dollars on a rug. Yet in their rush to get ahead of the curve, Toboggan couples sometimes find themselves racing in two entirely different directions. If they don't check in frequently to make sure they're both on the same track, they can grow impressively far apart, and it can take a great deal of painful maneuvering and many late-night talks before they reconnect once again.

Comfort Zone
Toboggan is a Sun Sleeper pose. Other Sun poses a Tobogganeer might enjoy include Big C Little c, Classic Spoons, and The Heimlich.

A Note About Feeding Tobogganeers have two modes
fed and calm, and unfed and frantic. To prevent bickering and other erratic behaviors, always keep the pantry and glove box well stocked with a supply of crackers and spreadables.

(not sure if it's true, except the last paragraph...)

happy birthday, weirdo.

today is my birthday. for an anti-social like me, i guess am considered as a popular one in the office. i received:

1. numerous sms greeting since this morning.
   
2. a nice teapot set from few good collegues last 2 weeks, an early present.
3. an expensive lunch from june n angie yesterday.
4. a cute little red boot from my brand team, but this is not all...
5. plus a rich n moisten zong toi banana choc cake, from my brand team again, n studio fellas.
6. a sexy red thong tht my ass wil never fit in, from emily n lisan.
7. a hug from emily this morning.
8. few handshakes since yesterday...
9. n a cute little cat toy with big sorrow eyes (tht make me hang him...)
10. a watermelon juice on donno june or angie this evening.

jus yesterday i told my photographer tht all my life, being an rude n impatient person i am, am lucky to hav a bunch of ppl who r matured enough around me to take my daily nonsense. (n i told angie n june the same thing again during gift no.10 session)

i hav nothing to thank u guys enough for these, thank u.

a superstar in the making

i was rushing for this job right after the bali trip. i must say i had so much fun doin this shoot. thanks kamal, luv u lah!

the great task is accomplished.

phew! i finally put up my bali trip in a new blog. it was sweat n effort to finish this task slotted in between the crazy work schedule. hope u guys enjoy reading it as i enjoyed the trip - bali may 2006

this is to the corporate hyenas

am born to be a slacker. when other ppl take 5-6 hrs drive to penang, i take bout 8-9, simply becos i don like to rush myself if it's not necessary. but am efficient, n at most time am a responsible person, i know it sounds sickening tht am praising myself here, but when u see my work record, u wud hav to agree with me.

when i hav a deadline i'll make my way to achieve it unless shitty circumstances happen like computer breaks down or printer is technically screwed. so basically i don need reminders to tell me wat to do. n i must say i hate to be bounded by silly timelines like:

if i giv u minor revision at 2pm, u must revert the changes by 5pm. if major changes, then revert by 8pm... kind of CRAP.

oso, the most important point is, am fucking rebellious.

u see, am stil an old teenager. if someone keeps nagging n nagging n nagging bout something i shud do... i wud stop doin it. n this is the reason am writing a blog here n surfing net instead of i shud get my ass worked on some jobs.

oh yes another thing is, besides of my pets, no one is entitled to show me attitude. u give me an inch, i'll giv u a yard. rest assured, i hav plenty of attitude to repay.

part II : go back to the mud!

further on from the part I story bout hearing a woman screamed n cried in d late night... i seriously hav doubt on our police's capability. it was my 1st time reporting such domestic violence case to the police. when the call got thru, i gave d policeman all my details including my address, even my phone number, to proof tht this is definately not a crank call. after presenting myself, i told them d reason i called, n i clearly stated the house number which the incident was taken place. i must admit i was a bit chicken shit when i made the call, i cant predict wat wil happen to me if tht family know i reported them, so i told the policaman not to disclose my identity, n he said: "yes yes." then i hung up.

i was still working at home then, about 15 mins later, my dogs barked like crazy. i looked out from d window, i saw the police car right smack in front of my house, with the siren light flashing like a concert. d well-fed policeman asked: "did u call us? wat is wrong?" i said: "i hav nothing wrong here. the house u r supposed to check it out is no.7, not mine no.1, u didnt get the msg right?"

wat the fuck??? i thought they wont disclose my identity??? they don need to annouce but they were making a scene in front of my house n the whole street knows i contacted them right? someone is gonna bleed for this i told myself.

i called back the police station n blasted them a nasty complain, after shooting the bullets in words (in english), the policeman passed the line to a policewoman, i heard him saying in bahasa - "i hav no idea wat she is talking about" i repeated the content of my complain to the policewoman, n she is asking stupid questions in bahasa. i gave up at tht moment, i told her: " i don think u understand a word i said. go back n study ur english." i hung up.

am not someone who is capable to use deep n literature english, i always speak n write simple english tht everyone who has been to school wil understand. i seriously donno which part of my english trouble these pea-size-brain ppl. if they cant understand d simple english i spoke, i wonder how do they assist foreigners who face problems in our country? this is such a shame!

hearing n reading complains bout our police in public media is not something new, but experience it personally is an eye opener. cos i can confirm to u now, they cant even take a call or message correctly in english. they r better off to roll n play in the mud, n be happy in it.

fuck.

part I: u think u r strong? bastard.

i heard a woman screaming n crying like mad at bout 11.30pm on monday night. it reminds me of wat i heard every sunday, a domestic violence behind the house, when i was staying at usj9. even i didnt witness with sight but hearing the wife screamed, cried, banging on the wall, n the kitchen wares smashed to d floor... oredi gave me a vivid scene on how the wife might be brutally beaten up. i was hesitate if i shud report the case to the police, each time i told myself - "if, if it happens again, i wil report the bastard to the police" but i never done anything to help. later, tht family moved.

when i heard same thing happened jus few doors next to my house tht night, even it's the first time, i called the police right away. i donno my interference helps but things like this shud be stopped. it's disturbing.

it's a pity how an emotion turns from love to hate, n leads to physical violence. think of this - she is someone u love, or used to love. of cos things like this takes two hands to clap but no matter how, it shud not involve physical attack...

* the police came, but i got really mad v them... it has nothing to do with this title so i'll put the story in another chapter (when am free...)

dear blog, am back, from the landfill...

last two weeks was the craziest weeks of my working life so far, jus when i thought non-stop working for straight 39hrs on the f1 campaign 2 yrs ago was a proud record, it was easily out beat by this job - a photo shoot for a china-man company's brochure. i took over this job from a collegue who was on emergency leave, plus juggling some other jobs on my side, i stayed awake for more than 50hrs. i was literally a walking zombie in no fear of daylight n hopping restlessly at nights.

i never regret any bit of taking over this job even tho' i hav really tight timelines on my work schedule. anyways, thing like this seldom happens to a slacker like me. it was quite an experience, despite of crazily occupied by jobs, i did see something i normally wont slow down to pay attention to. shooting in the studio was a bit boring, i was sick in d first few days, felt dreadful.

the fun began when we proceeded to the outdoor shots. we went to lake garden in d early morning. i cant remember when was the last time i went there but the sunny morning lights, lush of greens and fresh air is something i don really got chance to sit down to enjoy everyday, especially when we r "locked" in the air-con office n welcomed by d dust n high traffic after working hrs. tht morning i had it all. watching old couples practising their tai-chi, young fellows jogging n listening to the birds chirp, not trying to be a sentimental queen here but tht was... nice. simply nice. afterwards we headed to one of the park at kelana jaya, tht wasnt so much fun as we were all dried out under the hot sun.

the most unforgetable shots r during the 2 days in johor bahru, shooting the landfill. the land was showered by rain before we reached there, the smell of rubbish, shit, dead bodies (i wonder if any human got murdered n buried there), n maggots everywhere. the pr officer gave us masks before goin up the hill, i asked him: "is it necessary?" how stupis i was to asked tht, i shud hav asked for oxigen tanks.

we saw flocks of birds flying around the landfill, those r really beautiful white birds, look like seagulls. wat a pity tht they r not flying in the blue sky near the sandy beach but reside at the dumpsite n having maggots for feast. anyway, thanks to the birds, with the backlit of the morning sun, they make the shots looking serene n kinda romantic, i mean, if u could hypnotize yourself out of the shitty smelly location.

the crew went to singapore but i decided not to follow. i took a looooong sleep in d hotel. woke up in d evening, went to the so-called town, had a so-so japanese dinner. i was home sick the moment i step into the shopping complex.

the next day we headed back to kl, everyone was exhausted from the rush singapore trip, i was the only one who looked refreshed in the car, too bad i cant drive a bmw otherwise i can ease their burden. i looked into the sky, wat a beautiful blue sky, definately something, again, i don see in kl.

we did other shots in different locations in kuala selangor, shah alam and kl. til the project come to omos an end now, i'm stil thrilled by the whole experience of rushing, answering n making numerous calls bout work, receiving gossips n issues updated by my collegues when am not in d office..etc, n the most of all, the landfill experience. life now back to the boring burgers norm, i started to miss the 2 hectic weeks...

click the image for bigger preview

(this post wud b more vivid only if i cud show the shots we took but unfortunately all shots r deemed p&c n strictly limited to client's usage, sorry audiences.)