first it was Natalie, then now it's Daniel Radcliffe...

my niece finally got her internet fixed at her australia home. i can sense that she has changed so much. apparently she like it there. we chatted few times and i promised her i wil go n see her next year (shit now i must save $$ to keep my promise).

temptation

it really put me up to the test.

the garden

not the mid valley garden, my garden am talking about. the renovation since october 4th til now, almost finished except waiting for the garden & kitchen doors to be fixed at dont-know-when...

the house is in a mess, i simply donno how to clean n where to start cleaning since the renovation hasnt really over. i cleared the dog's poo in d garden n planted some hedges yesterday. i never know gardening is so much fun until i bought a pair of pruner, trimming shrub become so easy.

am looking forward to weekend so i can work in the garden again!

4 mths, many more to come?

i've been working in the new agency for 4 months oredi, getting to tune in better now. an x-colleague - A joined my team, we were never close in the previous agency, funny thing is we seem getting along well now n finally got a chance to change our perceptions bout each other, i think.

i was a loner in my previous agency. i donno y i jus find it's hard to mix with the ppl in my own dept. things don seem to be wat they appeared, ppl behave not wat they really feel inside. so complicated till you donno who to trust. so i hanged out with those outside the dept. i always thought A was like tht, like this then i was surprised she is actually like this, like tht... A is adapting well, i see her bubbly character finds no problem wherever she goes. in contrast am a more passive person, unless i find the ppl with a similar character like me, i'll need more time to warm up...

so to me it's tiring to deal with ppl. i know it's not clever to let ppl read me like an open book, especially in my position now there'r things i shud keep confidential n show emotionless. am learning, n it's hard. but i hope in order to upkeep the ppl management skill, i can stil keep my honest heart. i hate to be hippocrate. i don believe ppl shud change after being promoted or moving to a higher level in their life, there must be honesty to ourself in us n we must hold to tht in everything we do.

i thought of giving up at times but i convince myself to try once more, n go on. i often condemn myself for not being a quality head but i force myself to learn more, so i can go further. i thought of letting go of all responsibilities n be rebellious once more, but this time even me this rebellious old teenager, learn to grow up.

facebook...

ok, i admit, am hooked to it.

fried rice, with love

passionate

facebook

someone said i wil get hooked by facebook. i signed up, bored the hell out of me.

new year countdown

bali, wait for me, am coming over for the new year celebration.

'super boring!' girl is growing up...

i got my niece's msn contact last week when i went to my parent's house. am not sure since when she started chatting but she's 11 now so it's not a surprise to me. her log in name is 'lonelyleogirl', her appeared nickname is 'boring girl'.

tht night when i saw her chat box n those funny nicknames her friends own (only understood by tht age group), suddenly i realise how much my niece has grown up, i used to hug her in bed n watched cartoon together when she was a toddler, teased her n enjoyed her kiddish giggles. now she is taller than her mother n sometimes share the clothes too...

soon they'll be leaving to australia to reunite with my brother, with new environment n foreign language i hope my niece wil adapt well n train herself to be an independent young woman. i wonder when i wil see her again? besides in the chat world (today she changed her nickname to 'super boring!').

!@!*!*!()#I^@&(#))__@#@P_#@_O

i use a lot of foul language in the office, mostly the word 'fuck'. for certain people, this word is rough enough for a woman, but if you come to the office am working in now, 'fuck' becomes the most elegant way of swearing. most of my colleagues (especially those who work on the telco account) speak in cantonese, n they master the cantonese foul words in almost the phd level, to giv you a more vivid picture, below is the conversation they conduct daily (when in brain-storming, discussion, making idea changes... etc)

....
cd: nah, li ko hai-han xiong lei fong hai li dou, go go chao-hai copy diao kao cho hui lah!
ad: eh fei-hai! ko yat client gong mmm moi li jiong xiong zho! lei mmm kao gei tak ah?
cd: mo diu lah! mo xiong go visual ho ci lan gam yong...
ad: lei zui ho check kou with the servicing u know fei hai?
cd: diu nia ma chao hai, damn kao sian!
...

damn fucking foul mouth right?

unconditioned love

i receive this story today:

"It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 a.m., when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him look at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer' s Disease .

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are? "

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is." I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be."

the image flashed into my mind after reading it - is the image of my ma changing diaper for my pa. my pa can't recognize me anymore, am not sure if he stil recognize my ma, but it doesn't change the fact tht he's a husband n a father to us. everytime i go back n called him 'pa', he'll look puzzled n turn away from me. it hurts. but we still love him no matter how much memory of us left in him, becos we hav so much of him in our memory...

31st August 2006 ~ 31st August 2007

this is for you
cameron highland - august 2007

wat i did last night...

to be more precised, the title should be 'wat i did this morning...' as i reached home around 3 n got to bed with wax-like body n hair smelt like fish, i did something gross. i munched some junk food till i fell asleep.

usually after a long day of work, i love to tuck myself in after bath then munch some junk food then watch a few minutes of movies then brush my teeth before i dozz off... but recently this little bad habit has become a luxury n i havent done tht in a long long time.

so last nite (this morning), when i went to bed (with wax-like body n hair smelt like fish), i suddenly become furious tht my little bad habit is taken away by the crazy telco client. thinking of this my hands started reaching out to the junk food then the next thing i know, my mouth is full of the preserved ginger when i woke up.

i actually munched the preserved ginger till i fell asleep.

this is how bad a telco account can make you.

cel...cock

yeah yeah blah blah...

cool?

friday late night work, drag till now, saturday 2.14am. it's always been busy since i joined here, but wat make it worse in these 2 days - am stuck v ideas so don even talk about executing the visuals for monday's 12 noon deadline...

since i cant work, i do wat i do best, i talk cock. i literally talked cock to my designer who sits beside me, i talked cock in msn, n now i talk some more here...

but before tht i was reading some blogs randomly, n discover many cool ppl outhere. they r not celebrities, they r jus normal ppl like u & me (brad pitt if u r reading this, i dont mean u ok?) i find them cool simply becos i 'see' so much life they've lived. they work as well but they manage to take part in many other social activities besides work, n experience something totally different from wat they r familiar with. like taking up a 20km marathon challenge, listing down the books u wanna read n actually do it, throwing a party n cook for the guests, doin a research on a mountain bike tht desire to buy...

i think it's very cool. then it makes me feel so uncool bout myself now, i mean i cant even give a better celebrity name here (didnt i mention brad pitt jus now? n he is so last decade yeah i know...)

so i wanna be cool too, there's no reason y i cant be cool rite? so tomorrow am gonna bath my dogs n do my laundry, things tht i've been dragging for weeks n i actually gonna do it tomorrow. i think it's cool.

where am sitting

from star hill to sg. wang

wat it takes to be a head?

must hav brain inside.

the grass is greener on other side? or equally green? or equally dry?

friday today, another week is closing to its end. i've been checking resumes & interviewing some people via msn (thanks to the technology tht we can talk to strangers instantly)... there're plenty of talented ppl outhere, but finding one tht can stand a telco account and messy system is another thing.

sometimes i jus find myself being too honest, i wil tell the candidates the real scenario here instead of conning them into the job. it may take longer time to find staffs tht way but i jus wanna find the right one cos i don wan to spend time looking at resumes again.

i'm surprise some stil show interests after knowing the telco syndrome, i guess when one is fed-up with the job/situation they jus wanna get a way out desperately, even if the place is not tht happening. they see grass is greener on my side and i see grass is greener on the other side.

i talked to a 'smoking pal' today and realise one thing, the fact is, the grass is equally green (or dry) everywhere, depends on how positive you r. so i decided to move on tho i stil miss my ex office very much. everything has its both sides, despite of not-so-happening environment & messy system, at least the ppl here r all seriously doin their own work. no favouritism n no second treatment n no gang play.

so, am goin to be tough, and i know i can.

even more "loser"

i miss my laptop too.

loser

i've been a loser for about a month n i donno how long i'll get out from being one.

i jus cant get over my ex-office, especially the height of the ceiling. n i can't get over the bistro area where i had lots of sweet second-hand smoking memories. n i cant get over the sofa at the haunted area where i hid myself from the stress n drama queens... i simply miss my ex-office so so much. minus certain number of ppl, it's the best office i've worked in so far, in terms of environment & company's system.

change of role n culture in new company really stress me out, especially now am short of hands n endless workload keeps flowing in everyday. suddenly i wish to hav 48 hours a day so i can still see my loved ones after long working hours. the time sitting at the lazy chairs n play with my cats at 1am, patting my dogs' head briefly in the morning suddenly become so precious to me...

i stil remember the few weeks before i left i jus couldnt wait to get out from there, but now i even dreamt of goin back there few days ago.

loser.

when you thought you hav it all, hold on for a sec...

on the way to office this morning, i listened to lite fm tht they hav today's topic "can women hav it all, their career & family?". it was almost the end of the show, i guess many women would hav called and shared their opinions already n the last call said yes, she has it all n she is always around be it for the family or her career. before the show ended, the dj played an interesting call from a 13year-old boy's opinion, he said (not the exact words):

"if a mother goes out at 7am n come back at 6pm, wat is motherhood for them? they only come down to see their children at breakfast n leaves for work, they come back in the evening the children is watching tv, or if later, the children hav gone to bed"

i find it's like slapping all the mothers' mouth who thought they hav it all. i'm not blaming them for being a career woman, in fact these superwomen is doin one hell of a tough job to handle career and family at the same time, but, when most of the time only adult debating if one woman is capable to handle both, maybe a child's voice can giv more insight in this topic. end of the day, it's not how much u can handle, it's how you child coping with this.

so, anybody that wants to be a mother, think wat can you giv n if you cant provide the attention all the time, how can you make it up to them. earning big bucks n materials cant buy back the time you've miss in your child's growing years.

when u r in love, u r blind.

ya, especially when u have became comfortable in a relationship, u'll be so blind to see your own mistakes.

a busy start.

today is friday, my 5th day in the new office. it's been a busy week.

i thought i could hava a breezy week to warm up to the new environment & work, but i was so wrong.

people is generally warm & friendly here, good vibes.

wish me luck, may i last till my retirement in advertising here.

fat & fatter

few local trips in the month of may makes me soooo FAT!
details at:

FO..O..O....O...OD Orgasm! May 2007

hospital hotel

am now sitting at starbucks cafe, pantai hospital bangsar, having a fantastic banana java chip while waiting for my ct scan result. with the high speed internet access, comfortable seatings n the jazz music background, i love this hospital.

my first hospital experience was in year 2002. i was admitted to sjmc for an ovarian cysts surgery. minus all the motherfucking pain from the surgery, i must say (i know it's really weird) i actually like the 5 days 4 nights stay there.

well, the first night was horrible as i shared the twin bedroom with a fat slob who snores like a dinosaur. when she wasnt sleeping she crunched chips that rocks the whole hospital. when she wasnt crunching chips she talked loudly on the phone as if the other end is deaf. when she wasnt on the phone her whole kampung came to visit her n kids running all over the room n peeping at me through the curtain. with lack of sleep n the pain after the anesthetic my temperature shot up to the sky. the dinosaur's snore alarmed the nurse, she came in to ask if i wanna transfer to other room. i lied on the bed like a paralysed but i nodded my head eagerly, my tears almost came out as i was so grateful for this 'offer'...

damn drama right?

the next day i was transfered to a single occupancy room, i was willing to pay the extra cost in exchange for a good sleep. since then the whole ambience the whole experience changed. it's like in movie or commercial that u see a ray of light shines on everything then things jus turn from black n white to full color.

the room was MINE, i hav my OWN toilet, n my OWN tv with astro channels. from second nights onwards, i felt like i was staying in a hotel (like i said, minus the motherfucking pain from the surgery). 4 times a day including teatime the room service (nurse lah..) would deliver meals to me, the housekeeping (nurse lah...) changed bedsheet and tidy up the room daily, n in the middle of the night jus one click on the button, the service would be there for me, be it an extra pillow, blanket, water or painkiller... it's so complete. on my last day i almost felt like i was on vacation oredi n i checked out with much memories.

damn drama right?

pls forgive me as first time is always the most memorable one.

n of cos, all this becos i hav an insured medical card. never doubt what insurance can help u in life. i upgraded my plan right after i was discharged. i told my agent whatever it is, i will never stay at a twin sharing room again.

i hav visited friends uncles aunties in general hospital, i tell myself i must work hard n afford myself in a better environment when am sick, in the moment when am suffering. now with insurance as my back up am never scared of being admitted. well, if it's a fatal disease i will put myself to sleep, having said this, i havent found the country that legalise this, the search will go on.

it is it already.

i finally found happiness, thought it may be temporary but i feel my body n mind is so light now.

becos i've resigned.

wat's next may not turn out to be wat i wanted the most, but it's wat i needed the most for the time being.

to get a way out. n breathe.

suddenly everything in the office becomes lovely and easy on sight. moving forward, i guess i wont't feel nausea when i see the burger idiots.

n i forgive the sucker oredi becos it doesn't matter anymore.

only if you could talk...

my dear dearest puppy
1999 ~ 20th march 2007

i'm sorry that i made the decision to let you go. it's been a huge struggle for me to let you go, to let you go after being with you for 5 years.

i found you in a dark rainy night and since then we've been through many tough rides in your life. yet you proved to me you are such a fighter and you survived one and another disease attack. but this time, each time i see you down my heart just torn apart and i'm not sure if you can make it anymore...

only if you could talk, i wish to hear you tell me if you want to fight again, or you would rather go...

if we ever have our next life, please let me be yours once more.

the rebels r planning their moves...

the 2 days shoot was over, i dragged myself to go in office today. once i reached my work place, i saw the team is discussing an email wrote by the stupid cow. surprisingly my head didn't heat up, i guess it has come to the stage tht i really get numb now. i could only feel my stomach was calling out for food so we went out for lunch.

we made fun of the stupid client n laughed n laughed, this is the first time we react differently to the harsh n nasty comments she made. i can't help but believe tht is because we have all given up on the account oredi. the copywriter has tendered her resignation, the 2 brand executives have plans on their own so soon they will be leaving, next, if everything i plan goes well, i'll be, and can't wait to run away from this sour working relationship, oh n not to forget to mention the group brand director who complains more than we do, am sure she is planning something sweet for herself too... it left the 2 newbies on the account, the new designer n senior brand manager. i hope they can survive then.

this month's job is reaching to it's end stage, yet the drama jus get started, i'm prepared for more bitchy words from the stupid cow. worried? nah.... who cares!!

the better things are yet to come...

sometimes we should be thankful for all the asshole clients tht make our lives difficult, because of them, we finally push ourselves to quit the job n do the things we always wanted to do.

for nearly 2 years, one hiccup after another, am stil trying to be positive n focus on the job each time i cooled myself down, yet one and another client's shit stil smashed to my face every now n then... if they see us as a team, n be grateful for all the urgent jobs we rushed for them n our effort to make it to the deadline, we would jus wipe their shit off the face n forgive them. instead, these assholes who make us suffer from their deficiency in work capability n their stupidity, keep giving nasty remarks on us constantly.

so, enough is enough, while the agency is desperately trying to please these idiots, i decided to give up n focus on the better things tht could happen to me in future.

is it valentine's day already?

yes today it is n am damn freaking busy with work n am sorry for the other one tht i havent bought the present yet n am sick of talking talking talking to the client directly on works. i don feel the love is in the air today, i jus wanna kill someone. anyone.

is it chinese new year already?

not yet, but it's jus around the corner.

i never really like chinese new year, except drooling over the red packets when i was a kid, or the money inside it to be more precisely, cos the money brought me loads of fire crackers...

then as i grow older, even this little joy is gone. tho' there's nothing wrong to receive red packets in 30's but the stares from the relatives when they hand me the red packets make me feel like a thief. donno wat's wrong with them?

last year this time, the office was oredi in a joyous mood and the studio almost turned into a mini casino every night. every now n then we received big hampers n nicely wrapped gift baskets from the suppliers, the unwrapping and sharing the goodies inside really hyped up the chinese new year mood. all those make this year exceptional quiet...

besides many deaths of the close family of few colleagues, plus many colleagues leaving the agency, n too many shits to clean up from clients' hard stool, everyone barely has the mood to welcome chinese new year, the only sign i can sense the festival, is seeing some red lanterns in the making on the studio manager's table. somehow the lanterns look lifeless this year...

at my own house, i never decorate n celebrate chinese new year. but for the coming 4-day holidays, i wil spend it in a manner of pig at my ma's place. she is keeping everything simple this year, i hope not the dishes on the dining table too. pa is sort of in a stable situation. niece n nephew grow big n bigger. everything is normal, n normal is good. but i guess there will be tears this year as my brother will be departing to melbourne soon after the festive celebration.

so is it chinese new year oredi?

not yet, n it'll never be if the mood is not there.

lonely lantern, sitting at the gloomy corner.

is it 2007 already?

when most of the bloggers oredi summarised their 2006 and planning ahead with 2007, am still struggling to recap what happened and done in the past 12 months. i wrote, n erased, few attempts to blog my 'welcome 2007' speech but failed. the work sucks me dry n it's hard to focus on the flash backs. so i thought i would jus leave it undone.

then the words suddenly flood in when i was mopping the floor in living room jus now. i finally hav the idea how to pack my 2006 and face my 2007 in few things matter the most to me in life.

about my pet
my first blog entry in 2007 was a goodbye note to my little sangria. he is a kitten i picked up in the car workshop, n later adopted him as my 12th cat. i kept him for less than 2 months, n lost him before new year. whatever sickness caused to his death, i hav no clue, i only know i lost him n i blame myself for not doin enough to save him. it left a scar tht constantly brings pain to my heart.

to my other 11 cats and 3 dogs, only if they can read, i wish they know how much they mean to me in my life. they adopted me n giv me a home. i neglected them a lot in 2006, i wil make it up to them this year by spending more time with them, provide them a better place to live, n if the balance in my bank accounts allow, i wil buy them expensive pet foods and treats. i make a virtual toast in the air now, and cheers "long live my pets!". part of me wil die if any one of them is gone.

my family
after being abroad in u.s. for 20 years, my eldest sister n brother in-law came back to visit my father. they stayed for a week and went back. i heard from my mom the first sentence my father said to my brother in-law (after not seeing him in 20 years) was: "long time havent seen you." then everyone broke into tears...

my eldest brother is migrating to australia, he will be goin there after chinese new year. but i donno which part of australia wil he be settling down. what a shame.

n again i heard from my mom, my second elder sister is planning to migrate to u.s. as well. visa application submitted, now waiting for approval. suddenly my family is goin globalisation. it saddens my mom, my father wont be bothered as he oredi turns into a carefree kid. his biggest worry is stil the wires he constantly confuse as snakes.

from the above paragraphes it illustrates well enought how far i fall apart from my family. being the youngest in the family, i don hav much burden n responsibility on me, plus being staying on my own, most of the time i don share the stress of taking care of my parkinson-turn-alzheimers father. so from now onwards, i wanna commit myself in seeing them more often, especially now when everyone has their own plan after starting their own family.

my love
i lost one, i thought i wil never love again.

i found one, am taught and shown i can be loved like that.

it's not smooth, it's bumpy and stormy at times. but i want it to last, and i hope it wil be.

my friends & colleagues
i don have many close friends, one hand wil do the job if i need to count them. for all the years we know each other, we don feel odd or speechless even we meet less than 5 times a year. tht's true friends i call.

i met many people in work, some r better jus be a colleague, some turns into a dear friend. which ever side they r, thank you for walking into my life.

my job
the burger nightmare continues. but i've found a way to deal with it - is to run away from time to time, then face it again. so this nightmare seems not that scary anymore. it becomes a nuisance instead. imagine the devils standing in front of you and tear so-they-thought the most horrifying look, and threaten to sack you from the job (again), you just look straight into their eyes and say:"c'mon, gimme a break."

devils can run out of new materials sometimes, especially the stupid ones.

my 2007
battle to stop saying 'fuck' continues. cutting down maybe, it is till the most essential word needed in many situations in work, in life.

clean the laziness in my genes. get back to the old hobbies, i mean, minus the lazying around and sleep straight for 13 hours in weekends.

having said this, it is really 2007 oredi. fu... shit.

last trip of last year.

i spent my last day of 2006 in phuket, blogged @ goodbye 2006

it's written in a simplified format, as i forgot quite a lot of details... i guess mayb the firework blasted my brain n cause some memory lost, or it's jus too difficult to focus when u hav great company n too happy with it.

my little sangria

we kept you for the shortest time, yet you brought us the biggest joy in our life.

thank you, and goodbye, my little sangria.