inborn disease

rolling left and right in bed til 4am this morning, the last thought in my head was why the vet cut my cat at the waist to remove the uterus instead of cutting her at the lower abdomen. while trying to rationalise tht, i finally found out why i cant sleep at night.

i must admit i'm a person who thinks a lot since i was a child. comes to think of it, it totally make sense why i hav insomnia, i think i don jus having it in these 3-4 yrs, i believe i've been having it all this while. i remember one night when i was small, i stared at the ceilings whole night and couldn't sleep at all, then i started to think how wud it be when the day my parents get old and die. totally terrified by the thought, i cried in bed the whole night...

and the night before i attended my 1st day in kindergarden. i guess i must hav stayed awake the whole night becos of d excitement. when my pa came into the room early morning, thought of dragging my lazy ass out of the bed, i was oredi all dress up and ready to go.

now flashing back to my childhood, i realise i seldom sleep well since then...

there was this night the whole family was out for a horror movie, my mind was fully captured by the scenes in the movie, i didnt sleep that night. i sat besides the bedroom door, preparing something wil come out from the dark. then i saw some air bubbles of the paint on the door, i started to poke and peel it. until the next morning, i omos peel off all the paint on the whole door. til now my ma stil scold me for tht.

i slept with my ma when i was small. there was quite a big opening on the ceiling in my ma's room. i donno why it's so. the opening was right above me. every night i stared at the exposed beam under the roof, i could even hav a glimpse of the dark sky outhere. when the weather was cloudy, the sky would turn into an evil and bloody red tone... one night a black cat sneaked in, sitting on the beam and we both stared at each other. i covered my face with the blanket, but worrying wat the black cat would do next, i left my eyes exposed from the blanket. in cases like these my patience outshine anything, the black cat finally left. but i believed the black cat wud come back to stare at me again, so i couldnt sleep. i stayed awake omos the whole night. while waiting for the black cat to come back, i saw a tiny hole on the wall, i donno wat's in my mind, cud be out of anxiety, i took the hair pin from my ma's head, and started to dig the tiny hole with it. by the next morning i woke up, my ma's head was full of dust, the tiny hole became as big as my ma's fist. i must hav dug it for quite some time to achieve result like that. i got spanked on the ass that morning.

years ago the japanese horror movies r the hit, the infamous 'the ring' especially. one night i was awaken by cold, the 1st thing came into my sight was the tv right in front of my bed. i started to imagine the broken-bone woman crawling out from it. then i decided to turn facing the wall instead, hoping to shake the thought off my mind, suddenly i hav the stupidest question popped up from my head, i asked myself: "wat if she crawl out n i didnt realise she oredi standing besides my bed?" u know wat i did? i turned around and stared at the tv the whole night... i wont blame u if u r now saying "wat the fuck?" it's ok, i understand.

many many nights like these happened. so i gotta stop blaming the insomnia happened for no reason. i created it. my imagination for nonsense stuff is like a inborn disease, the virus hav planted so deep in me, i really donno where to find cure now. help me.